today in spanish i almost started to cry, i felt heat first in my feet, and then move up through my back and my face, and i felt my face turn red... and i sat there and couldnt say a thing...

all because we were talking about pets... does anyone have any unusual pets, not the normal domestic animals, and i knew it would come up eventually... we went through turtles, and goats, and finally it was said, anyone have a horse, and she looked at me... and i knew she would, cuz i have written about him before, and when i looked away and didnt raise my hand she moved onto the next person... but then i felt the room spin, and i felt like the world was falling in... and all i wanted to do was cry... its not like he is gone yet, he is still alive, he is still mine... its just not for much longer... even though it should have been over a long time ago.... but instead of crying i tried to stop it... i sat there and supressed the tears, and the heat slowly left my back, and i could feel the color drain from my face, and my throat relaxed... and then i had the biggest urge to be like, yea, i have the best pet ever... he is my baby, my pony, my major... but then i still might cry, so i didnt...

and i dont know what hurt more, pretending like he wasnt there anymore, and sitting there saying nothing, or wanting soo badly to say something... the last thing i want is to break down... i dont want pitty, i dont want my problems to interfear with school, i dont want to be a drama queen I DONT WANT TO CRY... but sometimes i dont know if i can do it... pretending works fine all day, but then sometimes at night when i am alone with my thoughts it comes back to haunt me, and sometimes i almost cry... but i force myself not to, even with no one there to see... i cant do it...

i am afraid that if i cry then the pretend world i have created for the moment will fall to pieces, and my happy universe will be no more.... and that is the last thing i want or need, especially when things are finally almost seeming normal again.... i feel like finally school is falling into place, and work, and i dont even know, everything... i dont like to talk about it, i dont like to think about it, i dont want to cry... the only thing i find i can do is write about it... this has been my only vent it seems... and i am sorry, i am sure you dont want to read about my stupid little things... but this is the only way i can convey some of my feelings, or rather, lack there of...

so sorry if you bothered to read it.... maybe tommorow i can come up with something better, but for now this is it...

much love,

katie


ohhh yea, and ashley, i LOVE the cd... thanks :)