everything seems to be a mess lately, and it all seems to be my fault. and i feel so torn, between everything.

i am no longer stuck in the middle with you. in that happy place where we were happy and knew everything that was horrible that was going on around us, and knowing that we were safe from that mess, because we were reasonable good people. and we got along no matter what.

but now im in my own little world, and it is very alone. and its not your fault either, i put myself there. i didnt know where else to go, because we always talk about everything, and i felt that i needed to think about this by myself. but i find myself deeper and deeper into something that i cant handle the more and more i think.

it scares me everytime you say you are done, hell it terrifies me, i try not to let you see, but it scares me. and it scares me more when you say you just want to leave. i know its my fault, well not fully, but i know that i am not helping the situation. and sometimes when i think about the fact that you want to leave so badly it just makes me want to cry.

i am not ready for you to leave. i am not ready at all. i dont know if i ever will be, but i certainly am not ready now. i will miss you more than anything. you are my sanity, your my safety, you are the person that can always make me laugh, you are the person that i turn to for just about everything. you are my big little sister. and i dont know what i will do without you. it is making me cry just to read these words on the page.

i screwed up a lot of things. we are no where near as good friends as just a few days ago, and that is my fault. i am distancing myself, trying to figure it all out. but i value your opinion so much, it means so much to me, and thats why i hurt so much.

and its hard to talk to you about all of this. partly because i know what you would say, and partly because i think i need to figure this one out on my own.

but i love you, you know that. and you are so incredibly important to me it is ridiculous, i dont know what i would do without you. you are my best friend. and as far as i am concerned, nothing and no one can change that.

so lets forget about this crap, (since part of the time, i dont even know what it is) because its not worth the worry, and lets laugh like we used to, and lets go out and play the radio loud, and sing like we used to, and smile and laugh, and not ever feel sorry, because we never had a reason to before, so why should we now?

maybe we could even go for a drive and get a candy apple, or ice cream like the good old days, when we just needed a little cheer.

talk to me please, i can see you are hurt, i want that to end.