another weekend finds me in another place i will soon be able to label 'home-away-from-home' and i am content in your arms. time passes quickly as i realize it is almost october, and the weekends are coming much faster than i could ever imagine.

sitting together in a dark room with 3 other 'known strangers' watching a movie i find myself crying thinking about the boy with the open mouth grin. i never cry, i hate it, and yet the tears wont stop coming.

in the movie there is death and guns and misunderstanding and uniforms, lots of uniforms. it is the uniforms that get me.

come december once again you will don your uniform and leave to go to a place filled with death and guns and misunderstanding and there is no telling when you will come back. that is the reality of the situation.

that is a reality that i detest. it is a reality that i loath with every molecule within my body. uncertainty. this is uncertainty at it's very worst. you, boy are one of my best friends. and the place that you have taken in my heart has grown over the past year in ways i couldnt imagine. usually when it comes to endings and time to move on to a new chapter i run away... i am the great avoider. but i cannot avoid this.

this i have no control over. its all you. and yes, i have come to accept that this is what you chose for your life. it is a great and nobel path. but you are still a boy at heart...

and i just wish you could stay here with us.

last night the darkness was there to swallow my tears. but when you are gone, darkness i fear, will not be enough.