they call her the great pretender.

she thought she would be better at this. she thought she was fully and completely ready to be away, to handle a new world, a new situation, new people. and maybe at one point she was. there is no doubt mind that she can handle being away from home. but then again, was that really true. because if not at one home, then wasnt it the other? never to far from the heart. home is where the heart is after all.

no, this was far away from home, far away from anyone she loved, anyone she really knew. a chance to be someone completely new, different, or more importantly, a chance to be the person that she had grown to be and grown to love in herself these past few years.

but let me tell you something, a little secret. she used to cry every time she changed schools, every time she changed grades, up until the 5th grade, because she liked her old teachers and routine so much. a creature that was secure in comfort, habit, familiarity.

so despite all the expectations she had, and all the excitement and bravery she thought was there, because she didnt have to cry herself to sleep each night, and she didnt miss home so badly she had to call every night to talk to her parents, it meant nothing.

just because you can manage not missing a place doesnt mean you can fit in without trying. and the last thing you want to do is shut people out. no one will ever replace your best friend be it from second grade or sophomore year.

moral of the story.

i am shy. i have been shy ever since i could remember. i thought it had changed over the past few years. but when i look back on it, it all took a while too.

it takes me a long time to be comfortable, and a long time to open up.

i blocked people from coming in. and was conscious of the fact, and it made me even more miserable because i knew i was isolating myself... and yet, i didnt change anyting about my behavior. i thought i had already screwed up too much to fix it.

and that is where i really did mess up. i stopped trying.

and it hurts. it hurts all the time. it hurts because i feel like i am a burden, it hurts because i want to belong, and it hurts because i dont want to ruin something that looks so much better without me there.
i put myself in a box... and who is to say i will not make that mistake again. i used to think i was stronger and a better person than that.
isn't it funny, when you look back on things, how you thought they would turn out before they actually happened... i try not to do it too much, because usually there is some kind of disappointment.

and that's all folks.