To be honest I never really enjoyed the idea of celebrating a New Year. To me it was always a night full of joy and excitement for all the new things to come. But more importantly a night filled with broken promises, and drunken relatives, and silly balls falling from the sky... A whole lot of climatic things that lead up to the midnight hour, and then you go to bed, and wake up the next morning and nothing has changed... I especially despise resolutions. Who really follows all of their new years resolutions... I don't even remember them half of the time...

and last night, I spent new years with friends, which I haven't ever really done, with the exception of a few close friends staying over every other year or so... But this year, I was 16 and I could drive, and I have friends that can drive, and an invitation to the wonderful house of the Watka sisters. So what the hell, I went, and I do not regret it for a moment.

I spent a lot of my time watching people, the way they talk, the way they move, the way they react with everyone around them, and I saw how wrong I was about nothing changing with a new year. At one point or another I was very dear friends with many of the people at that party, and as I watched them again, for the first time in a long time, I realized how different everything was... Everything changes, EVERYTHING... And as much as I hate it, and god only knows how much I despise and hate, and LOATH change, last night it made me smile. And I don't really know...

maybe it was watching all of my old dear friends enjoying themselves thoroughly, wanting to know them so badly, and at the same, being completely content with where I am right now.
or maybe it was knowing I was completely happy with my life in almost every aspect for the first time in a LONG time.
or maybe it was just that magnificent smile that never seemed to leave Lauren Watka's face.
or maybe it was that little wind up car, that amused me for almost an hour.
or maybe it was sitting on the kitchen floor, falling asleep, listening to my great friend tell stories about herself, and laugh at herself.
or maybe it was the wonderful music that we listened to.
or maybe it was staying up till 5 am when I had to go to work at 9 listening to my excited friend retell all the exciting things that happened that night and that year, and not being able to sleep because of her and her excitedness.
or maybe it was missing the boy that I thought I loved, and then realizing that I do not love him the way that I thought I did, and being completely okay with that.
or maybe it was hugging all of my dear old friends at the end of the night, and still feeling a connection in a way.
or maybe it was not wanting to let go, but doing it anyways.
or maybe it was trying to make a silly sad faced girl smile, and then when she did, realizing how beautiful that smile was.
or maybe it was remembering how horrible, and how wonderful this year was in so many ways, and how much stronger and better a person I am for it.
or maybe it was realizing how many new and wonderful friends I made.
or maybe it was thinking of major, and being able to smile.
or maybe it was being able to sing, and know that I was and will always be horrible, but doing it anyways, because I can, and I felt comfortable with all of the people that could hear.
or maybe it was being reminded of the beauty of the moon and stars by a dear friend, even though I could not see them behind the clouds, but talking about them anyways, because he knew how much I love the night sky.
or maybe it was talking to a dear friend earlier in the day, and hoping that just by being there I could help, and I think that I did.
or maybe it was thinking about all these things, and not being able to stop smiling, even in my extreme state of sleepiness.
or maybe it was sitting here thinking about all these things and wanting to write more, but not being able to.

in any case, I decided that celebrating the new year is not such a horrible thing... I even made a new years resolution, that I really intend and hope to keep... Happy New Year.

2004 New Years Resolution:
Follow through with all of the things I say I am going to do. (Because I am a person that has made far to many broken promises.)