im tired. im tired of a lot of things.... im tired of not knowing what i want. but i am even more tired of thinking one minute i know exactly it is what i want and then the next to be totally unsure again...

i am tired of this feeling of unease that makes my stomache turn. i am tired of missing, and tired of waiting for calls that never come, and tired of wanting, and tired of pretending.....

pretending is totally and completely exhausting in every way shape and form. and i am tired of pretending that everything is alright. because everything is not alright.

everything is not alright, and i am untterly exhausted from trying to think and act and talk and pretend like really everything is fine and dandy, and the world is just the way it should be, and that i am not hurt by any of it. when really i dont think it is, because it is turning and whirling and spinning around so fast right now i dont even have time to pretend anymore.

i hate the fact that i feel like i have lost some of the control i once apparently thought i had over my life.

im tired. i am tired of pretending, and tired of trying to pretend that everything is alright.

because it just isnt.

but the twisted thing is, i will still pretend... because it is the mask that holds the whole thing together. it is the mask that is the defense against the wrong... and until i take that off, i dont know if i will be able to face the mistakes, and face the things that my mask has so cleverly and perfectly hidden myself from...

it's kind of like self torture. so please, dont feel bad for me. i bring it upon myself.