i attempt to play out in my mind what tomorrow could bring, bearing my fears, plucking aimlessly at [heart]strings to make some form of melody that makes sense. my ultimate goal is to make music that makes one want to dance with this song. it is a form of pure and innate joy, when a song makes you want to just get up and dance. these strings i am afraid are a bit out of tune.

i am enthralled by this terrible and complete mess i have made. this mess of life. i wake up in the morning and my sheets are so tangled i dont know where the hell to begin when trying to make the bed. i have decided that life is messy.... purely and completely messy. no matter how neat you keep the desk, and how much you try to keep everyone around you orderly and happy it isnt going to happen.

humans have feelings. humans have all kinds of crazy, sad, incredibly wonderful and inexplicable feelings, and no one in their right mind can control them... most of the time we cannot control our own feelings, to attempt to curve the feelings of others would be the work of a total madman. or in my case, madwoman.

i think maybe i am beginning to like messy, i like it just about as much as i hate it. but right now it is fitting. it is fitting for my blue room, with the blue comforter and walls that cannot talk. because there i feel i can contain the mess.

i hate that feeling of losing control. but maybe, just maybe, in some situations we never really had that much to begin with so how can we realistically expect to have anymore now.

i have a lot to think about.