i think sometimes we under-estimate the power of karma.....

anything you leave to fester will eventually blow-up, 200fold in your face... well maybe not everything, but sometimes yes, it does happen.

i found out most recently that, i, like my father am extremely allergic to cats. it was never bad before this year... i find my allergy ironic, despite the family history. for one because i used to have a stuffed animal cat named muffin that i would sleep with every night. every night... up until i went away to college, she stayed right there on my bed. and now she sits on my chair in my room alone, and nobody likes to be alone. maybe she is lashing out at me with this allergy... who knows... sometimes we like to rationalize things in ways that help manage our mania... even when they make no sense at all...

i let other things fester too.... like decisions and actions.

where is the moment when needed the most?
you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost....


i have lost far too many moments.

& completly unrelated.... and yet very much so at the same time...
thank god for fathers. fathers that despite your annoying habits, sometimes careless ways, and sarcasm that love you anyways, and laughs at your quirks because he can see himself in you, and misses your loudness, despite what he says.

and mothers that can tell by the slightest inflection of your voice that something is not quite right.

and big brothers that know when you need to cry, and let you.

and sisters that lean on you just as much as you lean on them.

and the fact that school is almost over, and the awfully large commitment you have made to something you dont want to do anymore is almost over for the moment.... thank goodness.

and karma.... thank goodness for karma, because it manages at all times to keep me firmly grounded, two feet on the ground, and most of the time, moving forward.

sometimes i find it ultimately unfortunate that we as creatures find it alright to react to certain situations in the manner that we do. someone says i love you, and you find yourself troubled by the thought that maybe you no longer feel the same way. i wish sometimes that we could be on the same page, so hearts would beat in time, and people would know when to say when.

sometimes we overindulged in unnecessary pleasures.

i also find it absolutely disgusting that someone would think it was alright to commit to someone else, and yet also search out and ask for and receive love from another. i understand that people fall in and out of love, and that hearts dont beat in time, and sometimes some hearts are ready to move on before others. and that, yes is sad, but is also understandable, we dont all feel the same. i dont understand however how some people find it appropriate to promise their heart to more than one person at a time. love, while it can be shared across time and distance, cannot have the same feelings stretched across people. life just doesnt work that way.

sometimes in life we have to do things that we dont necessarily want to do because it is the right thing to do in the end. (some preaching i should take to heart.) sometimes we have to do things that might not satisfy us immediately, but in the long run will reap the most benefits.




where did all the time go? my freshman year of college is almost over, and i dont know where the weeks went. i am excited that the stresses of classes will be over, and i will miss my friends from here over the summer, though, not nearly as much as i miss my friends from home.

and now that i am at the end i find myself that i came here. i am glad that i hated it first semester, and i am glad that i finally got over myself by second semester to make the friends that i did. i have grown in countless ways, though none can be seen with the naked eye. it is time for summer, and it is time for a break, and it is time for growth and a new chapter.

i am staying at une next year. school is what you can make of it. and i am at home here. i have places to go, and people to see, and too many things to do.


...and nowhere to really end.

i think in my everyday stary vision wish of how i think the world should work is a bit of a damper sometimes. like the times when nothing really turns out the way you had hoped.

i wish it was easier sometimes.

"for a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.

happiness is a journey, not a destination."

-souza

some of us spend our whole lives trying to figure out what makes us happy, what we should do with the rest of our lives. some of us never find it, and some of us dont know what to do with it when it comes along. there is a constant struggle for self fulfillment. a constant struggle to figure out what makes us happy.

for as long as i can remember i have always known what i wanted to do with my life. i have always known what has made me happier than anything else in the world... and i have always done everything and anything possible to do it.

and for as long as i can remember i ran.
i run, i am a runner.
when i get upset i distance myself from everything so it doesnt hurt. but is that really living?
it seems more to me like living with regret.

time to slow down.

no words....