im tired. im tired of a lot of things.... im tired of not knowing what i want. but i am even more tired of thinking one minute i know exactly it is what i want and then the next to be totally unsure again...

i am tired of this feeling of unease that makes my stomache turn. i am tired of missing, and tired of waiting for calls that never come, and tired of wanting, and tired of pretending.....

pretending is totally and completely exhausting in every way shape and form. and i am tired of pretending that everything is alright. because everything is not alright.

everything is not alright, and i am untterly exhausted from trying to think and act and talk and pretend like really everything is fine and dandy, and the world is just the way it should be, and that i am not hurt by any of it. when really i dont think it is, because it is turning and whirling and spinning around so fast right now i dont even have time to pretend anymore.

i hate the fact that i feel like i have lost some of the control i once apparently thought i had over my life.

im tired. i am tired of pretending, and tired of trying to pretend that everything is alright.

because it just isnt.

but the twisted thing is, i will still pretend... because it is the mask that holds the whole thing together. it is the mask that is the defense against the wrong... and until i take that off, i dont know if i will be able to face the mistakes, and face the things that my mask has so cleverly and perfectly hidden myself from...

it's kind of like self torture. so please, dont feel bad for me. i bring it upon myself.

so life changes.... it is something i have yet to really get used too... but the more and more it happens the more and more i find my rebound rate getting faster.

it's sometimes hard to think when you realize you are all alone in the room, just you. sometimes it is harder to think that that one person that you know you can always call, you shouldnt.


but i know that it isnt forever. because tomorrow is a new day, a day full of change and growth and love, hell today is a new day.... why not change now?

change, while painful also creates knowledge, a shift never leaves an empty hole.

love is a tricky thing. i dont know if i really understand it like i should. i think maybe i have it up on a pedestal created by a society that i dont know if i even believe in. so is it really real? who knows?

life is love. even if it isnt the form of love or life you really want. forever i felt like i was searching for this way to fill an empty void... when really there was no void.... i had nothing left to fill, i just had room to grow.

maybe i rationalize things so i can sleep better at night... i still have time to catch up on. sometimes i think it is all a mistake... and then i remember, if it wasnt for the mistakes then we wouldnt have the time to make up.

mistakes create understanding. i think.... or at least i hope so.

surreal.

even though it hurts... even though sometimes it makes me cry... even though sometimes i hate it, and want to drop everything and just run as fast as i can back...

the things you said today mean more to me than you could ever know. because even though it hurts you probably more than words, it is what i needed...

so thank you. it may not be much, but it's all i have right now.

thank you.

the days pass so quickly sometimes i almost forget you arent here with us. and then all of a sudden a voicemail, i recognize the number and your smile instantly forms in my mind. it has been weeks since i have heard your voice, and months since i last saw you other than the lonely picture that hangs on the wall.

i used to see just your smile when i thought of you... because that is what you were, you were my goofy, smiling, life-loving boy. now my mind is crowded with all these foreign cloudy images i have of you from your letters... i shiver sometimes because i never wanted you to see or feel any of those things. i still dont.

it is hard to write. i think of all these things i want to say and then cant. i sit here staring at a blank screen while my stomach turns and twists as i think of all the words i could say, all of the times i should have written, all of the pictures i should have sent and i am ashamed. i wish i had something witty or funny to tell you. but still no words come.

...

smile big, boy, and stay brave. oceans may stand between us all, but nothing can keep us apart.

<3

we smile sometimes because we have to.


that is the thing about smiles. sometimes unless people know you, they cant tell whether or not you are truly smiling.

im not sure if that is a good thing or not.