i can see you smiling that big smile you wear when you are excited, when i can count all of your white teeth, and tell it's you from a mile away, because that grin is almost always accompanied by your laugh, which is one of a kind.

and i can feel your heart skip beats every now and then. and how do i know? because mine is too... my heart is excited for you, and is skipping along to the happy tune your are emanating.

we are connected in ways i almost forgot about till recently.

and it sure is nice to feel that connection again. i missed it almost as much as i missed you friend.

i am near sighted. not in the sense that i need glasses or contacts or have blurred vision. but when it comes to the future i have trouble seeing too far ahead.

i question the road im traveling constantly, and that makes me uneasy. i wonder why i cannot be satisfied with the now to the point of complacency. is there something in this big picture i am missing? i thought i had it covered.

constantly trying to figure it out makes my head spin, and makes me think i shouldnt try so hard, maybe i should just let things flow and happen.

i can be carefree for a while.... right?

the big decision is done with. now it is time to just breathe.

lets float through till graduation, and enjoy our time together, the little time we have left.

our lives twist and tangle together in some places and spread so very far apart in others, like fresh green vines climbing up a brick wall, giving life to the dull facade, just as we give life to each other.

the games we play, and the tapestries we weave in each others lives, the songs we sing together adds color, texture, art, music, life, love and passion to our days. we help mold the people around us, just as they mold us.

i see changes in some of the vines on the wall. lifeless limbs are brought back to life in the warm april sunshine, and they smile down at me, just waiting, anticipating summers full bloom. it is nice to see life in once lifeless beings, the light and shadows play upon the wall making the vines dance in and out of view flashing bits of color, just as your eyes flash at me through the crowd.

there is something magical about spring. i like these changes, in myself and my current surroundings.

it is nice to see life again where it seemed impossible before.

confusion, school, decisions, money, all muddle my mind, clouding my thoughts and raining on my heart. the sun doesnt shine as brightly when you walk the roads all alone sometimes. and this is one decision i want to be final, and not regret one bit. the clock ticks at my back and my mind races forward, with a very small beacon in the distance, a light so tiny it gives me no clues as to what is the right decision... my future.

grams called last night and was convinced i was lying to her when i said i wasnt sure where i wanted to go to school. she tried to tell me i was lying, and finally asked my mother, who told her i was telling the truth. confidence booster there.

colby-sawyer
une
endicott

those names swirl around in my head when i try to rest. what to do... what to do?

you are worth everything you believe in.

he is different, time does change everything, but there is a familiarity in his tone that makes me feel comfortable. he remained true to his heart.

the three of us drive down the highway, and it feels like high school all over again. well, last year at least. we sing our imperfect harmony with billy, number one on repeat, and the windows down. he is the base, and well, we fit in wherever we want, because singing is not something i would call a talent of ours.

with the cold air rushing past my face i felt so alive. i could have lived in that moment forever with you. both of you, and our four part harmony, without a care.

but you can only play a song on repeat so many times before you have to change it. and it ended. everything does eventually. and now tomorrow you will get on another plane and fly away again. seems like that silly time thing is always messing us up. gone for too long, home for not long enough...

...and then this morning i heard our song again, my mom was playing it as she made her breakfast, and all i wanted to do was cry.

come home again soon boy. and remember, we are so proud of you.