forever and 5 and still so much more to know.

we tell ourselves these ridiculous stories to keep the boundary lines drawn. (is it us narrating or someone else?) neat, clean dark lines lie on the ground between us. lines that separate boundaries even within conversation... those little barriers in the mind that tell you, just dont go there.

i want...no, i try to push limits... if you are going to draw, at least make your own lines. and use color... color brings everything to life. we could all use a little more color in our lives.

in fact, lets remap our world... i want to discover who i truly am let me discover the world as well. these boundary lines shouldnt keep anyone from anything anymore. scratch my back and ill scratch yours, sound like a plan?

...meet me where birds look like statues and worlds collide, and these boundary lines we can break... but only if we all work together...

i want to sleep... i need to sleep... i need to get better. but thoughts bounce through my head and i wonder where you are and what you are doing right now. i wonder if you are laughing, and if i was with you if i could be laughing too. i miss your smile and your bear hugs that make me know everything is alright. i dont want anyone else not right now. i want your warmth to help me sleep, and your reassuring breath to whisper in my ear and tell me everything will be alright. because i realize that not everything can always be alright. my entire experience this year has not been right. but when i am with you i can let my fears go, and i can rest easy safe in your arms. you are my haven... you are my safety... and i could use you right now. yes i could. i want to sleep... but i have forgotten what it is like to sleep alone on weekends.

sleep does not come for this tired body.

in the wake and bustle of college academic life i dream of quiet days at work with the people i love doing the things i long to do.

i long to wake up in my big bed not to an alarm but from puppy kisses, only to drag my aching body still tired from yesterdays work out of bed and into the kitchen where she is making breakfast and he is barely awake sitting with a steaming cup of coffee, eyes already distant as he lays out in his mind the days' work.

a walk through dew soaked grass in the early morning with the munchkin racing around at our feet to start a new day. everyday is different, and filled with passion... very unlike where i am now.

and i miss it. oh do i miss it. i miss it with every fiber of my being.

here i am trying to figure out who exactly i am, and finally it hits me... i will never find that person here. i will never find the girl, the woman, the person that grew up with the name katherine schafer anywhere here on this campus. i dont belong here. i left my heart somewhere else. and until my time here is done, that is where it will remain. and for that i am sorry.

It's Not Easy Being Green

"Well when the path is steep and stony and the night is all around
And the way that you must take is far away
When your heart is lost and lonely and the map cannot be found
Here's a simple little spell that you can say:

You've got to face the facts, act fast on your own
Preparation, perspiration, dynamite determination
Pack snacks, make tracks all alone
Don't be cute. Time to scoot. Head out to your destination.

Chase the future, face the great unknown."

~Gobo Fraggle

thanks mom.

she has this unbelievable desire to tell him everything. everything from her wishes to her desires to her dreams... most of which he already knows. his eyes pull secrets from her heart from her mind, all the way from her throat and off the tip of her resisting tongue. and she tells him things without knowing why or how.

she tells him her heart and wonders why she bothers. but not all of it. no. some he could never understand. some he could never accept... some things she could never bring herself to tell him. not because she doesnt want too. no, because she is afraid of what he will think.

the once intimate relationship held over coffee and late night car rides has dwindled now, to short conversations across large tables and questioning glances.

strangers. awkward silence. different, that is all.

everything changes eventually.

this is my wish for you:
comfort on difficult days
smiles when sadness intrudes
rainbows to follow the clouds
laughter to kiss your lips
hugs when spirits sag
sunsets to warm your heart
friendships to brighten your being
beauty for your eyes to see
faith so that you can believe
confidence for when you doubt
patience so that you can believe
courage to know yourself
love to complete your life

every time i come turn back it gets harder and harder.

poor decisions, result in poor outcomes. take your time.

because no one enjoys pain.