i attempt to play out in my mind what tomorrow could bring, bearing my fears, plucking aimlessly at [heart]strings to make some form of melody that makes sense. my ultimate goal is to make music that makes one want to dance with this song. it is a form of pure and innate joy, when a song makes you want to just get up and dance. these strings i am afraid are a bit out of tune.

i am enthralled by this terrible and complete mess i have made. this mess of life. i wake up in the morning and my sheets are so tangled i dont know where the hell to begin when trying to make the bed. i have decided that life is messy.... purely and completely messy. no matter how neat you keep the desk, and how much you try to keep everyone around you orderly and happy it isnt going to happen.

humans have feelings. humans have all kinds of crazy, sad, incredibly wonderful and inexplicable feelings, and no one in their right mind can control them... most of the time we cannot control our own feelings, to attempt to curve the feelings of others would be the work of a total madman. or in my case, madwoman.

i think maybe i am beginning to like messy, i like it just about as much as i hate it. but right now it is fitting. it is fitting for my blue room, with the blue comforter and walls that cannot talk. because there i feel i can contain the mess.

i hate that feeling of losing control. but maybe, just maybe, in some situations we never really had that much to begin with so how can we realistically expect to have anymore now.

i have a lot to think about.

Impulsiveness has never come easily to me. think before you act, dont let your emotions get the best of you, use your head, dont rush into anything.

and what i have considered impulsive, has always come with the approval of others. so really it is acting on permission, although the thought may have been out of the blue.

deliberate. there has always been this somewhat deliberate feel about the way everything is done with some people. i envy those who can make quick decisions and seem so sure of themselves. i know it isnt true, but sometimes i feel like i have never been sure of anything in my life.

and all of these feelings, especially envy, just make me feel frustrated. something must be done... especially since i dont like to disappoint. and right now, the person i am disappointing the most, happens to be me.

sometimes life takes these unexpected curves. like when you are driving down a road you dont know very well at night, and everything seems fine till all of a sudden there is a really sharp curve and you have to slow down real fast in order to make it around....

sometimes in those moments it feels like you will never make it around that corner, the bend will be just too much and you will go plummeting off into the woods. and your heart starts rushing, and you panic for a bit.

and then you realize that panicing never helps anything and maybe your car is more reliable than you previously thought. eventually, even if you have to stop for a while, after you regain control, sitting there, out of breath, scared at the prospect that you nearly met your end, you will continue on....

one because you feel like a fool sitting there in the road being scared.

and two because eventually a car will come up behind you and make you move whether you are ready or not.

but if you think about it, in the end those curves make us all the better. we may drive a little slower, and with more caution than before, but we learn....

and eventually when we can trust ourselves again we can learn to take those curves a little faster, till finally you are moving along at a normal speed again.

where will this road take us?

sometimes i wish i could magically fly you over here... just for an hour or two, or a weekend... because spain is a very far away place.

i would fly you over for a weekend so we could spend a whole night talking about what you have been doing so far away, and about the future, and about the past, and about anything and everything we like to talk about... you remind me all to often that life is what you make of it. and i know you are making one hell of a time out of yours. i am lucky to be along for a part of the ride.

i wish you could be here this weekend, so we could spend time together with your boy. because he will always and forever be your baby, and i know as well as you that we will both miss him to pieces.

but on the same note opportunity is knocking at your door and i wouldnt want you to for ONE second pass that up to be here. we have been here, we have gone down this path many many times, and we will again many many times... even if i have to drag you kicking and screaming... (which i know i wont because you love it just as much as i do.) because this is somewhere that we will ALWAYS no matter what call home. because it will always be in our hearts.

so let opportunity knock... ill send him the message. you keep on going doing as many things as you can, and seeing as many amazing things there are to see... because home will be here when you get back.

it will always be here. love you my crazy senorita.