she has a lazy right eye, so when you look at her to talk, sometimes she seems as if she isnt paying attention.. her hair is dyed blond, but it doesnt look ridiculous like you think it would on a 54 year old woman, she has aged tremendously, and her eyes show a wisdom far beyond her years...

when she speaks to you her voice is soft, and calming, and quiet, almost to the point where you have to strain to hear her. yet the message she conveys through simply the tone of her voice is often enough to figure out what she is saying.... i dont think i have ever heard her utter a bad word about anyone, she is always positive, and full of love and energy, even if she has been up for three nights in a row. in times of crisis, she is always the collected one that brings us together to solve the problem, even when it seems impossible.

she is a guiding light, a beacon, a mentor, a mother, a grandmother, a wonderful friend, and an inspiration... i feel as if i could tell her anything and everything in the world, if only there was enough time...

she calls me her surrogate daughter, when i go away to shows in the summer, my mom has her check up on me, make sure everything is ok... and she calls it a treat when she gets to push around her "youngest daughter," for all of her real daughters are grown, and far away... i truly feel that i am a better person, just because she is in my life...

much love,

katie

today in spanish i almost started to cry, i felt heat first in my feet, and then move up through my back and my face, and i felt my face turn red... and i sat there and couldnt say a thing...

all because we were talking about pets... does anyone have any unusual pets, not the normal domestic animals, and i knew it would come up eventually... we went through turtles, and goats, and finally it was said, anyone have a horse, and she looked at me... and i knew she would, cuz i have written about him before, and when i looked away and didnt raise my hand she moved onto the next person... but then i felt the room spin, and i felt like the world was falling in... and all i wanted to do was cry... its not like he is gone yet, he is still alive, he is still mine... its just not for much longer... even though it should have been over a long time ago.... but instead of crying i tried to stop it... i sat there and supressed the tears, and the heat slowly left my back, and i could feel the color drain from my face, and my throat relaxed... and then i had the biggest urge to be like, yea, i have the best pet ever... he is my baby, my pony, my major... but then i still might cry, so i didnt...

and i dont know what hurt more, pretending like he wasnt there anymore, and sitting there saying nothing, or wanting soo badly to say something... the last thing i want is to break down... i dont want pitty, i dont want my problems to interfear with school, i dont want to be a drama queen I DONT WANT TO CRY... but sometimes i dont know if i can do it... pretending works fine all day, but then sometimes at night when i am alone with my thoughts it comes back to haunt me, and sometimes i almost cry... but i force myself not to, even with no one there to see... i cant do it...

i am afraid that if i cry then the pretend world i have created for the moment will fall to pieces, and my happy universe will be no more.... and that is the last thing i want or need, especially when things are finally almost seeming normal again.... i feel like finally school is falling into place, and work, and i dont even know, everything... i dont like to talk about it, i dont like to think about it, i dont want to cry... the only thing i find i can do is write about it... this has been my only vent it seems... and i am sorry, i am sure you dont want to read about my stupid little things... but this is the only way i can convey some of my feelings, or rather, lack there of...

so sorry if you bothered to read it.... maybe tommorow i can come up with something better, but for now this is it...

much love,

katie


ohhh yea, and ashley, i LOVE the cd... thanks :)

there are soo many things to say, and yet nothing comes to mind to write about... i am soo happy, and yet i have never been more sad in my life... i am moving on and yet i am also clinging to the past... there is soo much work to be done and yet i sit here doing nothing...

im in limbo, a halfway state, and at the moment, i dont want to leave this middle ground...

words are failing me... but if you want to talk, i can always listen...

much love,

katie

sometimes the pain cuts me soo deep it is hard to breath...


and yet, i still love you... and i always will...


one of the strange things that love does to you....

sometimes i think it is easier to pretend to be strong, and think you are ok, when on the inside everything is falling... just the thought that tommorow will be better can sometimes get you through the day... even if tommorow wont be better...

every second of every minute of every hour of every day seems to get shorter and shorter where there is a time schedual such as this... and i dont want tommorow to come... and on top of all of that i seem to be always waiting, never doing anything about it...

my heart is running away from the inevitable, and my mind is staying grounded...

much love,

katie

Trials, temptations, disappointments -- all these are helps instead of hindrances, if one uses them rightly. They not only test the fibre of a character, but strengthen it. Every conquered temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.
- James Buckham

i have said it once but i will say it again... people never cease to amaze me....


and that is a truly beautiful thing...

tommorow we are talking to the vet i was told... a date is going to be set, and we now have to find a place to bury him... i find it truly morbid that we have to set a date as to when we are going to put him down... i just cannot stand the idea of it, it makes it sound like an execution, and its not, he really isnt happy, and i know this is better for him in the end... it is just soo hard sometimes you know... i just want it to be over, all of this waiting makes it worse... i know it sounds horrible, i dont want him to be gone, but he is soo unhappy right now, and the more time that goes by with him unhappy and still here the harder it becomes for me, the more time passes the more i am begginning to doubt that we are making the correct choice. its kind of like, well we have waited this long (almost a year) why not wait a bit longer, he might pull through... but then i think and i know the truth of the matter.... it just kind of sucks... so i will struggle and continue to try to make lemonade out of this situation, and hopefully share some with major on his last few days, because i want him to know he is loved, and will be missed, soo sooo much, and i will never, ever forget the countless things that he taught to me...

when life gives you lemons, make lemonade... i said this to my mom the other day, and she looked at me in a bit of shock, and asked when i became so optimistic, especially with all this, and i have been thinking, and to be honest i dont really know... at times i really dont feel like an optimistic person at all in fact, and i dont feel like i should be, like it is wrong, or something... but it is easier to try and see the good in the bad, than to focus in on the bad... so enjoy your lemonade, and i will try to enjoy mine...

much love,

katie

down that road, that dark road in the night, the headlights only shine so far ahead of you... you can never be so sure of what may lie on the road ahead... always keeping you on your toes, so you cant let your eyes wander to far ahead... unless, unless you are lucky enough to have to moon to guide you. when the moon is bright, and the road is clear you almost have no need for headlights... you can drive by the moonlight, moonlight that is so pure, and so bright... when you can drive by the moonlight, you can take the time to roll down the windows, and feel the breeze, and have a moment to glance up at the stars, and the moon, and of course, see the road ahead.

driving in the moonlight... yea...

have a wonderful night...

much love,

katie

soo um yea... been feeling kinda weird lately... well not weird, just not, well anything really... the other night, as in last night, my mom came into my room to talk to me... shut the door and everything, sat on my bed looked me in the eyes, and told me something i have known was going to happen eventually... i just didnt know when, or how.... and now i just dont know how to feel at all...

she came in and told me that we had to put major to sleep... i have known for the longest time that eventually he would die as a result of his sickness, and i always knew there was the possibility that we would have to put him down, which when i thought about it, it broke my heart... but last night as she sat there, on the edge of my bed, crying herself i couldnt bring myself to feel any emotion. so instead of my mother holding me while i cried about the fact that i was going to have to part with one of the most important, and wonderful animals in my life, i sat there and hugged my mother, and told her that i was ok, and it would be ok, and that maybe it was a sign that it was truly time to move on.... i mean what is wrong with me?? why cant i feel, why dont i feel... why am i not i crying as i write this... i mean i put my heart and soul into him, into work, into what i do... it is truly what i love, it is something i have considered doing for the rest of my life...

i really think it is the fact that i have known it for soo long.... it has been something i have come to accept... there is so much more to owning a show horse, or being a trainer than just having a pet pony. one of the hardest things to learn and accept is that the only way to make money is to sell the horses you train... so you spend months, even years, pouring your heart and soul into an animal, creating a bond and connection with them, to make them work to the best of their abilities, and then when you do, like that they are sold... and gone... it seems absolutly crazy to someone that doesnt know much about it... why do all that and care so much if you lose it all within a year? that is what i find most often to be the biggest question... but you see, i have learned, that although yes you put your heart and soul into it, and then often it is gone, it is the heart and soul that you put into it, and the reaction, which is usually this amazingly wonderful bond, and reaction from the horse to obey you, and want to work for you, that is the part that makes it all worth it... when an animal gives you everything they have, and you know it, and they know it, it is the greatest feeling ever... its like floating on cloud nine... heart... the more heart an animal possesses the better an individual it is... that is why i love it so much.... i have never found another animal, that has been so willing and happy to please, another species with soo much heart... i am sure that some that read this still probably dont understand, in fact most of you probably have no idea... but thats ok... its really something you have to experience...

major has soo much heart, he was such a wonderful wonderful horse... he taught me so much... he made me work, and until i worked just as hard as him, and put just as much heart into it as him, he wouldnt give me a hundred percent... but when we both got on the same page, and we were in the zone it was something so amazing and wonderful... my mom used to tell me, when i came out of my classes that i won, that she knew as soon as i went in the gait we were going to win... when we worked together it was an amazing bond... we comanded the ring... and it was amazing... i cannot even imagine where i would be now if i had never had the opportunity to work with maj. and i will always treasure every moment i had with him, the good and the bad... i always call him my baby, but when i think about it, im really more like his baby... when i first got him, he was the champ, and i was the amature... he truly made me the rider, and horseperson i am today...

haha, wow i just reread this whole thing, and it really makes no sense at all... but that is ok, cuz it makes sense to me, and this is for me as much as it is for anyone else... so i am sorry... i guess i just needed to get some of that out... so umm anyways, yea, thats what is going on now, in the life of katie... if i seem kinda out there that is most likely the reason... denial, i think i am in denial right now... who knows... we will just have to see what tommorow brings...

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go

The longer I live the more I believe
You do have to give if you wanna recieve
There's a time to listen, a time to talk
And you might have to crawl even after you walk
Had sure things blow up in my face
Seen the longshot, win the race
Been knocked down by the slamming door
Picked myself up and came back for more

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go
Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go

Life's a dance
Life's a dance
Life's a dance
Take a chance on love
Life's a dance
You learn as you go


-John Michael Montgomery

live it one day at a time... :) live, love, dream....

and, this i forgot, this was in the diary of a very good friend, and i have found this to be so true these past few days... i hope he doesnt mind that i borrowed it, but it is something everyone should know and keep in mind...

Keep the ones you love close to you and make sure they know you love them all the time because anything can happen at any time, make sure, whoever you love knows you love them because this world can be a pretty shocking place sometimes...

true, soo true, and if you love someone and they love you, dont let the little things in life ruin it... love is such a beautiful, and truly wonderful thing, it is a shame to loose it...

much love,

katie

i have discovered over this past week that when i am in my hour of most need, that i will always have someone there for me. and that makes me so incredibly happy, i cannot even begin to describe my feelings for these people.

it is the concern that they have for me, and what is going on in my head, and with my life that makes them so wonderful... to take a drive to nowhere, for no reason, while i talk and get things off of my mind... to take me out for icecream, and make me smile, and to tell me that when i smile i am beautiful, and it makes them smile... to talk to me into the late hours of the night, and tell me that i am worth what i believe in... to run up to me and hug me without reason, other than they wanted to, or they felt like it... those are the people in my world that make everything worth living... i do not know what i would do without these people... i truly dont... god knows i love them, and they are wonderful...

there is so much to love about them, but most of all, they share with me, something so wonderful, and beautiful, words cannot begin to describe it, and that is the joy of growing up together, and becoming who they are, and who i am... people help shape each other everyday, and i am glad that i am affecting their lives, and they are affecting mine... people dont always make the best choices, but to be able to get through those tough decisions together, and to know that you made an impact on someones life, that is wonderful.

i have made a resolve this weekend to try and be happy as much of the time as possible, because i have so many wonderful things to look forward to... and quite frankly, feeling sad or bad for yourself just sucks... school this year looks alright, a heavy work load, true, but i think i have some really wonderful teachers, and i will be able to learn a ton this year, as long as i make the most of it. i have work, which i absolutly adore, along with the people that i work with, i cannot imagine doing anything else with my time... i love my ponies, and all the people that i have the wonderful pleasure of sharing them with... in fact, if i am not working and i dont have anything planned i often find myself bored and lost, needing something to do, horses ALWAYS give you somethign to do... and not to mention my baby, major, he is sick, but i want the rest of his life to be incredibly wonderful, and so it is my goal to work for him, and make every moment incredibly wonderful... and then i have my dreams... i often find my dreams are what helps me get through the day... with something so wonderful and beautiful to think about and work for, it is easier to get my work done, and know i am that much closer to my goal. and then my wonderful family. my younger brother who, yes can be annoying, but is also so sensitive and cute i have to love him... my mother, who i often dont get along with, and yet i still love her to death, and she loves me, for the simple fact that she is my mother, and i am her daughter... and then there is my dad. he isnt around a lot, but when he is, he always manages to make me feel loved, in his own intelligent, and goofy ways.... i love them all... and then, last but not least, my friends... the people that never cease to amaze me, and often make me smile, when there is no reason... there is SOOO much to love, and soo much to look forward to, and i am glad that i have so many people in my life to remind me of that... thank you soo much.

much, much love,

katie

people never cease to amaze me...

i love you without even trying...