Don't look a gift horse in the mouth
Come on try and tell me what they're talking about
Those things you're dealing with, you're living a lie
Every time I see you it makes me wanna cry
The times we laughed and talked, seems like yesterday
Then you let the white horse come and take you away
They came to get you
It was coal black
The wheels were in motion,
There was no turning back...

as i drove home the road was lit by bright moonlight. so white and so pure, it made everything appear angelic, frosted over with perpetual beauty and grace.

it was overwhelming, and i drove very slowly home, to enjoy as much of it as possible.

i thought about this summer, about this past week, about this past evening, about all of my wonderful friends, and family, and you.

my gosh, it was overwhelming.

and in such a good way.

much love, and the sweetest of dreams.

so when it comes down to it, they are two of the most directionally challenged people ever.

let me explain.

she has no sense of direction. as in, if she thinks she might be going the wrong way, or if she doesnt recognize what is around her she gets confused very easily, and immediately goes to the cell phone to call someone to reassure her.

and well, the other one, she can't tell her left from her right. in terms of sense of direction she is pretty good. logical that way, most of the time. but left and right, still has to do the old finger trick, hold up her hands and see which one makes the L.

now when you put these two together, and say, here go find a new place, a place that you nor anyone else has been too before. Well then you know you are in for a good time.

like the other day:

the two of them are driving down the highway, headed to boston, in their respective seats, the perpetually lost girl driving, and the other navigating.

driving down the highway, they reach a place unfamiliar to both of them. the navigator wants to hear a song on the radio, and struggling to figure out the new and different buttons on the new stereo system, they miss a turn.

the driver becomes very frustrated. and turns around. the navigator is bent on finding that damn song.

they turn on a guess down a road, and end up passing the road from which they were supposed to turn off of, and onto the road they currently were on.

the navigator, confidently reasserts the fact that it was she that in fact got them out of their hard place.

its a lie, really it was all the driver, but she tries to take the credit anyways.

they laugh later at the experience. knowing that they are both retarded. but its alright, because if they ever got lost, at least they would have each other to laugh with.

and laughter sometimes is better than some of the greatest places on earth.

i remember the first day you came. i watched you walk in from a distance... it was hot outside, and the air was thick with excitement. we had no idea who you were, but we wanted you to stay.

and stay you did.

i remember we used to draw straws as to who had to work for you during the day. i always lost in the beginning, until it got to the point where it was just a given that i would work for you.

some days i hated you. some days i wished you wouldnt come. but the good days more than made up for the bad ones. i learned to trust you, and you trusted me. you taught me as we went. we worked incredibly well together. we grew together.

time went on and things changed. i learned more in the past two summers than i have ever before.

and now i have another memory to add to the bank. i will forever remember the day you walked away.

today you walked away for the last time. it was strange how it all hit me.

all of a sudden, like a light going on in my head i realized you were never coming back. period.

you walked over to me and asked if i was alright, because you could tell that i wasnt.

i promised myself i wouldnt cry. and i didnt. i didnt want you to see me cry, because i know it is all for the best.

but as i watched you walk away, for the last time i felt empty inside. everything happened so fast. i knew you were leaving, i watched you pack, i knew you had to go, but now, all of a sudden, gone....

and today im not ready. i dont want you to go, not yet. i need you still.

i need you to tell me that everything will be alright, and that it is all a bad dream. i need you to wake me up, laugh at me, because i am crying as a result of this bad dream, and tell me that nothing has changed.

that is what i want anyways.

but i know it cant happen. and you are gone. and you arent coming back.

ever.

i felt empty as i watched you walk away, empty and broken, and afraid.

and for the evening, beneath the starlit sky time did stand still, just like you wanted it too. and everything was just about perfect...

because it was you standing there with me.

the little girl climbed up onto the big man's lap.

he was older and had a long graying beard, and kind eyes... she thought it was santa.

she sat there on his lap for a few moments, just looking at him, and then slowly, in her tiny little voice told him, "santa, all i want for christmas is a pony."

the man chuckled, and looked knowingly at the tiny girls very embarrassed father. it was apparent that this had happened to him more than once. and replied to the little girl, "well maybe if you are a good girl, and you work hard, and eat your vegetables, and do well in school, then we can talk about a pony, how does that sound?"

and the little girl smiled, jumped off of his lap, grabbed her fathers hand and tugged him away, chattering excitedly about the possibility of getting a pony for christmas.

and i felt like hitting the man right then and there. i am not usually a violent person, but all i could think of was how much i wanted to hurt this santa impersonator at that very moment.

i worked hard, i was good, i do well in school, and hell i eat all my vegetables (with the exception of hot peppers) and what has that gotten me?

1. a bitter attitude
2. a strong dislike for a former passion
3. a powerful feeling of being robbed
4. a hard, hard heart
5. and pain, lots of pain.

oh and we cant forget 6. a strong dislike for the santa claus impersonator.

but.... no where on that list do you see pony.

funny, that's all i ever asked for from santa too...

kid, trust me, save your dreams for something else. santa doesnt bring ponies, or fairy tales... and beware, you are crossing into a dangerous world.

His eyes reflecting the sun twinkle mirroring my own frustration and anxiety. His small yet very strong and weathered hands are balled in painful fists, as he shakes his head. Dripping with sweat and compassion in the muggy heat of the afternoon, it is almost as if he was screaming at me without speaking, but I know the anger is not directed toward me.

I shake my head in quiet understanding, and apologize with my eyes as best I can, because sometimes saying things out loud becomes redundant and meaningless.

And even more so when in reality you have very little control over these things.

He nods in understanding, and shakes his head again to shake off the look of frustration, and the sweat from the heat, and he moves on. Because that is all one can do in such a situation, when you have no control… move on.

I watch him walk away, and I can see the hesitation in his steps, because walking away is not often his style. He turns again, and looks at me, his eyes pleading, just one more look of understanding, and he is all set.

Sometimes just to know you aren’t going crazy is enough to get you through. And it is our silent understanding that often helps get through the day.

It is like telling secrets without speaking, talking solely with your eyes, and body language.

Secrets that only we understand, and no one else can see.

It was like a revelation. and all of a sudden everything was ok again.

things happen for a reason, right? or at least she would like to think so.

all it took was that one moment of weakness.

she thought that maybe the best answer would just be to quit. that all of the signs over the past year and a half screamed at her, why are you still here? dont you understand, we throw all of this at you to make you leave?!?

and so she was going to quit. she had fully made up her mind. after this last show it was going to be good-bye. no more. the end. period.

and then he yelled at her. he yelled at her, and she couldnt take it, she broke down... completely. because the pressure was just too much to take anymore.

and so she took her aside, and asked what was wrong. and she told her, she told her through the sobs, through the pain, that she was done. she was done, and she wasnt coming back.

but that was not the answer that she wanted to hear, and she told her she was too good, and worked too hard, and loved it too damn much too just quit. she yelled at her. she yelled at her, and told her these things. and then held her while she cried.

and so she accepted her defeat, and decided it wasnt the end. maybe just a break.

and then today all of a sudden it all made sense. yes all of these horrible things were happening. and it seemed like everything was falling apart, but hell, opportunity was knocking at her doorstep.

how lucky was it that new opportunities were as close to home as they were?

what are the odds of that? what are the odds?

lucky. damn lucky.

so even though it may be tough, and even though it may be not exactly what she wanted, it is better than anything else she could ask for at the moment. and to let that pass her by would be pretty darn stupid.

sometimes, all it takes is a little perspective on the situation.

and a little bit of luck.

so this is what growing up feels like?

paint me a memory, and then send it in a plain cardboard box so that i will be surprised when i open it to find something so beautiful. tell me a story, make us a part of the story, because sometimes to hear about what the future might hold is exciting, but give us code names, so nothing can be set in stone. talk to me about nothing or everything all at once because it is never a waste of time or breath, don’t be afraid to speak. wish with me at the shooting stars, but don’t tell me your wish, otherwise it wont come true, and to be the cause of a lost wish would be horrible.

Paint me a memory and send it in a cardboard box, and I will return the favor…

and be sure to label it, To: sally, From: harry…

because then I will know it’s from you.

the other day we played dj together in the back seat of the car. well, she played dj, i simply held open the cd case, while she flipped through the cds. first we listen to enrique and his version of hero. and i was amazed at her ability to sing almost all of the song. after hearing this song she quickly became bored and asks to hear her very favorite song. her mom, who is in the front seat driving the car, asks, "on this cd?"

she simply replies, "no favorite song ever."

puzzled for a moment her mother sits there thinking. and then tells me to get out the lonestar cd.

she puts on number 7, Amazed, and i sit there in absolute shock, as the little four year old, still in her car seat sitting beside me sings me the entire song. it blew me away.

Amazed
Everytime our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away

I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams
I don't know how you what you do
I'm so in love with you, it just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me, baby you surround me
touch everyplace in my heart
Oh, it feels the first time everytime
I wanna spent the whole night in your eyes

I don't know how you what you do
I'm so in love with you, it just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you

Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Oh, every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you


and today, i sat on the couch beside this same small girl, as she told me that her parents locked her out of the house.

they had locked her out because they were dividing up all of their stuff, because they cant stand each other any more. because they just cannot live together any longer.

this of course she didnt know, and couldnt understand at the age of 4, but i knew, and it made me want to cry. it made me want to cry, and hold her tight and tell her that everything would be alright, there is no need to cry, they will still love you the same. but then i realized, this would be of no comfort to the tiny girl beside me on the couch, because she didnt even know what was going on. it would only comfort me.

her whole world is crashing down before her, and she doesnt even know it.

and her favorite song ever, in the whole wide world is amazed.

all i want to do is cry.

being away for a week can change a person a whole lot.

i am 17 years old, which seems alien to me. like 17 isnt an age i ever considered i could be. 16 that was big, big things happen at 16. 18 is big too, you are an adult. but 17, 17 was never an age i considered.

i dont feel that i am 17. i feel older, or younger, or actually, i feel that age doesnt matter.

age doesnt matter, it is maturity that is important. and that is how i handle and run my life.

and right now, i just want to be 7 again. 7 would be nice. people could tell me what to do, and i wouldnt question it, because i would be 7, and 7 is too young and innocent to know better. i could run to you when i got scared, and ask you for advice, and you could give me all the answers, because i want to know them, and right now they all seem much to important for me to figure out on my own, and i want your help.

unfortunately i am 17, and stuck. and everything that matters right now, and everything that is oh-so-important in my life at the moment i have to decide on.

and all of the cart-wheels and flips and turns in life are becoming much too dizzying for my stomach to handle.

interesting and very long week.

you learn something new about yourself every single day, and by going outside of one's usual environment and usual group of people you can learn even more.

makes you feel good sometimes.

living, loving, learning.

and it feels good to be home.

and ps. the moon last night, was absolutely fantastic, as well as the past few nights.
i was thinking of you.