its funny how we seemingly "forget" things as time goes by. its like life gets running so fast that sometimes you cant catch up, and all of those things that were thinking about yesterday are blown away in the whirlwind of today. things are ever changing, and always moving forward.

and its not that you forget things. its more of, eventually you forget to remember about things that used to constantly occupy your mind. you dont forget about them all together, you just dont think about it as much. life gets in the way of your memories, and leaves you constantly running, moving, thinking, living, leaving little time to remember.

like major. 18 days from today it will be one year. one year ago.

i miss him. i used to miss him everyday. now it is only on lonely nights when i have time to sit down and think that i miss him.

and its not that i forget. i simply forget to remember sometimes.

but i still miss him. and i always will.

its just sometimes i forget to remember. :-/

the headlights shine out in front of the car catching raindrops in midair, suspending them for a moment as they drop like pearls to the ground.

the soft pitter-patter of the rain on the windshield is comforting and fitting for the lonely afternoon. grey skies, and water dripping off of trees is very soothing and right for the lonely mellow feeling of today, a rainy tuesday. which makes it a perfect day, once again for a drive. this time once again alone. however, on a day like today it is nice to drive alone. the rain makes everything beautiful.

on the pond on the side of the road white duck plays in the rain, chasing imaginary bugs, fooled by the dimples made on the surface by the raindrops. he will be hungry tonight, but it doesnt seem to matter, because just as every 4 year old knows, it is much more fun to play in the rain than to eat a healthy supper. the reflected leaves dance in his wake, moving effortlessly across the surface of the water.

the smell of wet pavement and wet leaves surrounds me in the cab of my truck, with the windows cracked and the heat blasting.

one is never alone when driving in the rain, always accompanied by the soft melody of the water against the car. nice for thinking, almost-silence, but not quite alone.

on a rainy day like today i could drive on for hours.

we sit huddled in the car, sipping our hot chocolates and finishing each others sentences, something we seem to be doing that more and more lately, the less and less we see of each other.

we drive to nowhere just for the ride, singing whatever song comes on the radio, but endlessly searching for that song.

it is calming to be with her, not because she is a relaxed person, quite the opposite sometimes. but still calming because i can be me with her. no matter what. which is a very comforting feeling.

we end our evening with john, and his deep soothing (and very sexy) voice is perfect for my mood. and i walk into the house thinking once again just how lucky i am to have a friend like you.

thank you.

i like it how you walk in the complete opposite direction of your next class to meet me so we can walk together through the halls.

it seems like such a stupid little thing, but it means a whole lot to me.

and besides... sometimes it is the little things that count the most, am i right?

so thanks.

happy first day of fall.

:-D

"what are you doing tomorrow?" she asks emphasizing the word tomorrow.
i think about it, and then understand what she is getting at, tomorrow is tuesday.

i tell her nothing, and she smiles.

she asks me anyways, to make sure i understand the underlying meaning of her emphasis.

"wanna go for a drive?"

i can only smile. sometimes i wonder how i got so lucky.

what would i do without you?

you are my hero.

as i imagine it...

we walk down an old dirt road, lined on either side by an old wooden fence, a fence that is falling apart in some places, and covered with soft green moss, probably as old as the dirt road. behind the fence are fields, with big oak trees. the grass is green on either side of the road, which stands out in contrast to the bright red, orange, and yellow leaves that are falling. the road is mostly covered with fallen leaves, and the trees are brilliantly colored, it is a beautiful fall day.

we walk close to each other, close enough to hold hands, and even though we dont when we swing our arms our fingers brush each other. a gentle reminder of our nearness as we travel down the lane. it is cool enough for a sweater and scarf, and in my case coat, because i get cold very easily.

you tell me a funny story, and i laugh. your voice and closeness makes me want to throw my head back in laughter, and skip down the lane, but i am keep my joy inside, just giggling, warming myself with the thought of you, because i am almost always cold. when i laugh, i can see my breath in the air. fall is in full swing. i love the fall.

you finish the story and it is silent, the only noise to be heard is that of the leaves crunching beneath our feet and the few remaining birds talking to each other in the twilight of the evening, our footprints echo down between the trees, crisp and clear in the cool air of the evening. i realize in my dream state that this time is one of the only times i can tolerate people dragging their feet, because i like to hear the sound of the leaves crunching.

i imagine what we look like from behind, a boy and a girl walking down the lane, close but not quite touching, kicking up the leaves, white puffs from our breath rising into the trees.

it is autumn, and i, like the leaves, am falling.

come walk with me through autumn leaves down an old dirt road.

what is the one thing you want the most in the world? because to know a persons innermost desires is to truly know their heart.

oh, it's a secret? thats ok, i can keep a secret.

tell me yours and i'll tell you mine.

because you have a beautiful heart, one that i want to get to know better.

today was a perfect fall day to go on a drive to nowhere, with no real destination... just to go for the drive.

but there was no one for me to drive with. and to drive around alone on a perfect fall day like today would be rather depressing. usually i like to drive alone, but tuesday is a sad day to be alone.

especially because that is just another thing that reminds me of you, and how we used to always go out on tuesdays, because i never had to work tuesdays. it was the day we usually went up to marshall farms, and watched the ostriches and ate caramel apples, or went out to buy a new cd. or just drove. because it was always easiest to talk in the car. and we always had something to talk about.

and today, a tuesday, and a perfect day to go on a drive, i stayed in, and was sad.

some days are more lonely than others with you gone. and there is no replacing you, because it simply cannot be done.

but i want to find someone to drive with me on tuesdays. someone to talk too. because otherwise, the afternoon gets rather long and lonesome.

especially on such a beautiful day like today.

everytime i drive down that windy road, i get to the parking spot for the waterfall, and i always look for your car. always. every single time. it has become habit, whenever i drive down there, i check, thinking maybe you will be there. which really, if you think about it is foolish. i have never seen you before there, and why would you drive 2 towns out of the way to go there.

but i still look, because i feel like you should be there.

you belong there.

it is soothing and laid back, but also dangerous and exciting, the way i imagine you are.

maybe someday. and until then, i will continue to look for you around the bend.

whisper your secrets to the wind, and i will wait patiently by my window every night to hear your sweet voice carried to me on the breeze. and worry not, as i will keep your secrets locked up, as precious treasure, in the vault of my heart...


...until i see you again.

they hide behind racks of crafts, and argue about who is going to drive for about 10 minutes, playing at least 7 games of 3 rounds of rock-paper-scissors-shoot. and they argue about a flower, and claim to be extremely mad when the other one won't make a decision, so mad they cant help but laugh.

silly girls they are.

silly girls that can sit down and talk about college, about the future, about love. they can talk about death, and crying, and emotion, and just about everything imaginable. serious and silly girls. or sometimes just seriously silly girls.

it just takes 20 minutes to make a decision between them over whether they should buy a red rose or a yellow sunflower.

but in the end, it is always the extra 20 minutes more that make it better. because it's spending time together.

and they have a hard time getting sick of each other... which just so happens to be a rare, and wonderful thing...

360 degrees of heaven.

and a view of boston from the top of the hill.

let me show you my dream, not in black and white, oh no, full technicolor, 3-D. this is the real thing baby.

the real thing.

the quiet girl smiles at him in a way she never has before. a smile that reveals more than she wanted to, but maybe that smile is helpful. she can only hope so.

the girl holds out a hand in friendship, and the boy takes the hand. friendship is always safe, and they seem to keep good company.

but then the boy slowly begins to take more, working his way up, and into the heart of the girl, unintentionally of course, but he does it none the less. The things that he tells her, the stories, the way he says things. The way that he cares. The way he can always make her smile. Her friendship matters, her opinion matters. So he works his way up, without even knowing.

And the girl lets him, she enjoys it actually. It makes her feel giggly inside, it makes her feel wanted. It makes her laugh at the little things, like the things he says, and the way he looks at her, the way the sun shines on the trees on a beautiful summer day. It makes her feel special. He makes her smile, and oh how good does it feel to smile.

She held out a hand in friendship, and he took her heart.

this blogger was written upon special request...

but, it is important enough that it needs to be said.

just so you all know...

ashley bedard is the coolest thing since sliced bread.

and sliced bread, is pretty damn cool... like, what is there cooler than the concept of perfectly sliced, precut, fluffy, white delicious bread.

ok so maybe i'm a little hungry, and craving a sandwich too...

but for real... this girl rocks.

and i will miss her when she leaves on sunday for college. i will miss her a whole lot.