i told myself driving home yesterday that i wouldnt cry. i didnt want to cry for some reason, and i told myself i wouldnt do it. i wore mascara and everything as a reminder, a reason why i couldnt cry. it is strange the way we feel we SHOULD feel sometimes.

i made it all the way home listening to my loud music singing along not a care in the world. when i drove through town i wanted to see the signs we had made and hung up. the signs to welcome him home. i didnt make it 2 feet past the first one before i burst into tears. my mascara backup was so out the door. i couldnt even help it. the tears came immediately with that hiccup like sobbing sound you make when a crying fit comes on so fast you cant even breathe and you have to do this silly little hiccup breath which ultimately makes you cry more.

it is strange the way we feel we should feel sometime. last night i was in a room with hundreds of other people and you could tell by looking around the room the feelings were mutual.

mothers went from hugging loved ones and smiling from ear to ear, to tears in a matter of seconds and then back to a nervous pacing in anticipation of what was to come. there were welcome home signs up all over the far wall, a happy reminder of what was ahead.

and again i told myself standing there that i wouldnt cry again.... but this time i brought tissues just in case.

i made it through the million speeches, and the OOH-RAHS, and the waiting... but as soon as the first of the 25th battalion started coming through that door, and they started playing lee greenwood's proud to be an american the tears and the hiccup came back.

but when i looked around all you could see where smiling faces, clapping and cheering with silent tears streaming down their faces. men and women alike, young and old.... even the teenage boys were crying.

and i have never been so happy to see that smile in my life.

welcome home Lcpl. Brian Bickmore, 1/25th Battalion Co.

you truly are my hero.

night time is hard sometimes, with all the thoughts bouncing around in my head, like unpoppable bubbles. it will get better, i know, no one was meant to live feeling like this.

my mother, one of the most beautiful and extrodinary creatures i have met in my life, stays up late at night to talk to me on the phone hoping that the airwaves can provide some comfort. she tells me i should write.

"write down your thoughts, write down how you are feeling, no matter how ridiculous it 'feels,' write it down so you know it is real, so you know you are real. and that eventually you will no longer feel that way, and everything will be alright."

so i write, not here, no somethings i dont like to share. feelings have always been very hard for me to share with other people (most of the time), my mom says i get it from my dad.

i feel better after we talk... always no matter what. and writing, writing is helpful too...

i love the fall. i decided i am going hiking and apple picking and maybe even camping this weekend. because i cant let a glorious season like this go to waste.

all around the trees are changing colors and losing their leaves. the air is crisp and cool. sometimes in the morning i can see my breath as i make my walk across campus watching the chipmunks scamper across the paths and the seagulls sulk outside of the dining hall.

the cold air fills my lungs with a stinging new realization that everything around me is changing.... including myself, in ways that are both controllable and completely uncontrollable at the very same time. i feel like the sea of tasks surrounding me will never end at this very moment in time, and while i desperately labor for it to end, at the same time i dont know what i will do when i am done.

i sit up late at night getting reading done, avoiding other things, because i know that if i get to that it will hurt. and i am tired of the hurt.

it just simply manifests itself in new hopes, and new ideas, and new disappointments. mostly in myself.

i love the fall.... i need to get into this fall spirit that i so desperately miss..... Unfortunately at this moment in time it is just yet another thing i must add to my to do list....

hopefully a quiet weekend at home will be just the remedy needed.