my desire to be near you is often overcome by my desire to be independent. it isnt that i dont want you around, quite the contrary, i want you as a part of my life just as i want to smile and love every moment of every day. and for that i am thankful you are away. because for every moment i spend away from you i want to spend that many more with you. and that is how i know i care for you.

our desire to see each other mirrors our passion, one which i will hold onto with all my little heart as long as it will allow me too.

because the all to familiar feeling of you breathing that often rocks me to sleep is something i have grown quite accustomed too and fond of. i look out my window and see hundreds of tiny beautiful snowflakes swirl and dance around one another falling to the earth. it reminds me of our dance. and how we came to each other. circling, swirling, falling slowly towards each other never meeting. waiting. until we reached this point where we blended together in harmony.

falling in love is not easy, but your dance drew me in, and i forgot to harden my heart when you smiled at me. and i let you hold my hand and tell me that tomorrow would be even better when i was sad. i let you see what i had hidden from so many others.

you let me be who i am, and loved that person, just as i love who you are.

so stay away, stay where you are, because i know just as the sun rises, and the moon sets that someday soon i will see you again. it is being away that makes us stronger, and allows for this dance to continue on in sweeping arcs and tantalizing circles.

but when we meet again, hold me close boy, let me feel your heart beat, and pretend for a moment, that you dont want to ever let go. because it is that feeling that i long for in your absence, and that look in your eyes when you brush the hair out of my face and look at me like i am the only thing you can see. you wore your heart on your sleeve for me, till i stole it. and i keep it as a treasure as close to my heart as can get.

and like the graceful snow let this feeling allow us to fall where it dictates. be it here or there, now or never. because the longing i have for you makes me burn in this frigid winter. when i much rather prefer to be cold, cold so you can warm me with your touch.

but until then, please smile and laugh and love life just as much as you do when you are here with me because when i think about you i want you to smile in my mind.

she tells me that she would never allow someone else to pump her own gas, she is just uneasy about things like that. she likes to do things by herself. she is an independent type. not because she likes to be alone, not all the time, but she can be. she is very strong.

she has a passion that drives her... you know, that one thing that she cannot live without, and would go to any lengths to do. well she has. she has jumped through hoops, climbed enormous mountains, and always seems to come out on top. ALWAYS. she is an inspiration to me daily. whenever i question if i should keep going, she is always there to tell me i can and i will.

we are similar in many ways i think. which really for me would be bragging, because to compare myself to her, well, its to say a lot, because, as i said before, she really is just amazing. she is never needy, or wanting. smart, very smart, (covers all the bases even, common sense, and just plain intelligent.) driven, kind, compassionate, and a great best friend.

for senior superlatives i put you down as most likely to be successful. because you are going to be. i can tell, no matter what you do.

just remember, success is how happy you are with your life.

thanks for being my friend, and always having a moment to listen to me in your busy life.

ps. keep in touch. if its alright, i would like to be a part of that happiness. friends, always?

with the weather in new england constantly changing the only thing a girl can depend on around here is just that, change...

with the changing seasons, and the sky not sure if it is spring or winter i find myself confused, having trouble sleeping, and feeling constantly too busy.

its not that i dont want to see everyone, i do, oh i do soo much. but there are too many demands. too much pressure. and it hurts me not seeing everyone just as much as it may or may not hurt you.

sometimes i fear, this shore is stretched too thin. but then again, i would never trade any of these so called "burdens" for the world. so just give me a little bit to breathe. i didnt forget. ill never forget. not on purpose anyways.

frozen words hang on icicles in the night air. your face shows your uncomfort. i hate to see it that way. dont worry dear, this will feel all better once you say it. get the cat out of the bag. cats never like being confined in bags anyways, the longer it is in there the more scared and angry it gets.

if the relationship is as important and special as it seems, and you think it to be, then even an angry scared cat cant frighten this friendship away. in the end cats and dogs can get along, one usually just has to consent, give in, be the bigger one and stop the chasing to be united. this cat and dog pair will stay strong, old and wise, and young and willing, always a good combination.

so say it, and move on from here, move on and look to the sky because that is where you are going. see all those stars, you are one of them just waiting anxiously to be born. and what a show it will be. what a show it will be. i plan on being right there to watch the whole thing too. i love fireworks, and i have a feeling this will be somewhere along the lines of firework fantastic.

but for now, just speak. let that curious cat out. because if you wait too long that dog wont want to consent, and it will chase you away, and that is not how you wanted it. i know.

so be strong darling. and remember, you are surrounded by love.

my life is filled with so much love i am blessed.

between my family and friends i could drown in a sea of unending love.

but oh- i imagine it would be a rather lovely way to go. completely surrounded by love. i can feel it and breath it and live it in almost everything i do. it is in the air, and in my food, and underneath my fingernails, and when i close my eyes. everywhere.

flowing in all directions, inward and out. i will pour my little heart out to you and give you all i have to offer, if only for a smile. i love to love, i love it with all my heart. it makes me laugh, and smile and giggle, and jump and skip and run.

it is what life is about. loving.

give it a try. it easily could make your day. :-)

"will we be friends forever?" asked piglet.

"even longer." answered pooh.

bad dreams, and uneasy sleep:

she smiles at me from a distance. she always knows when it is me that walks in the door, we can feel each other's presence like we can read each others emotions with a glance. today something is not right, the air is tense, and she looks frustrated, usually it is just work, but today it is different, today it is something else...

we work in silence, until everyone else is gone, and then i run over and give her a hug, one much needed, and much deserved. i can see tears forming in her eyes, and her beautiful heart heavy, and damp on her sleeve. she never could keep anything from me.

i cant tell secrets or keep anything from her either, and so i tell her, things might change, its complicated, i dont know anymore if i can be there this summer.

i promise to tell her everything later, and we make plans for dinner the next night.

but today not knowing doesnt sit well with her, and to calm her nerves i tell her my story. it isnt a fun one, and it has no conclusion yet. i hate those kind of stories.

he comes around the corner and sees the look on our faces, just as i try to finish the unending story. i change my expression but not quickly enough to fool him. he is not an easy one to fool.

"why the sad eyes baby girl?" he asks.

i love him like an uncle, or a big brother, and i his daughter or niece.

"it isnt as fun when it gets so hard, you know." i reply.

"life is never easy, never, never. but can you imagine your life without this?"

his usually playful eyes look down at me concerned and understanding. and i cant. i never could. i never would. it just is.

it just is.

just like i know, we will always be connected somehow. you will see.

hey you is our classic greeting, and from there we feed off of each other finding words to say to fill the silence that is no longer uncomfortable when it is there. usually it is hard to find the beginning of our conversation, where it all starts or where it should end. but it doesnt matter, it simply shows our togetherness.

sometimes it gets to the point where i wonder if we should speak at all, because most of the time we can finish each other's sentences. it is nice to know someone that cares enough to know me that well, because i certainly care. i do, i do, i do.

when we talk on the phone it isnt just wires that connect us over that distance. you tell me what i am doing as i do it, as if you were watching me. it is simply habit, what i always do when im talking to you, but sometimes it makes me laugh.

so hey you, lets talk sometime soon, because it is the next best thing to seeing you.

it is 7 am saturday morning, and i cannot sleep. you let me sleep last night, and so now i am awake. you will sleep no doubt for much longer, till at least 10 or 11, because that is just how you are. i feel guilty for some reason for falling asleep last night, it was supposed to be our fun night, i could stay up as late as i waned, and i fell asleep. i think you were mad at me, ,i dont like the thought of that... sometimes in the normalcy of what we have become, i forget just how damn fun it is to be your friend. and how damn lucky i am.

we come up with new nicknames all the time, keep them for awhile, usually a month or two and then discard them for something new. we are constantly changing, but not really enough to make it noticeable until we really look back. which we happen to do all the time, but we dont ever really notice the changes i dont think... we dont acknowledge them at least. maybe it's because we change together. we grow and change together in ways that are so suttle you cant notice unless you look back with a fine tooth comb. i like to do that, i like to remember everything exactly.

i was reading this morning about the past. and i realized there was a time when we almost ended our friendship. i remember all the pain, and all the horrible things i felt back then, and it almost made me want to cry, like i cried back then. i didnt tell you, but i cried, i cried a lot then. since then though, i dont think i have cried once. with the exception of the movie last night, but that really doesnt count. and... because well, friend, here is the thing....

even back then i couldnt stand the thought of losing you. i see now how foolish everything was, and i am SOO glad that everything happened, and turned out the way that it did. because if it hadnt, well my life wouldnt have been so darn exciting i dont think, or fun.

i think sometimes, you dont really realize how much you mean. or i dont let you know enough. so this is me letting you know.

your place in my heart can never be taken, by anyone or anything else. EVER.

its like reserved parking, for you only. and dont worry, its a big enough spot for a hummer, or even a hummer-limo if you so desire. :-)

i worry about what will happen in my life when i go away to college. actually, i am down right scared. i have this foreboding feeling that things will change in major ways with all of my close relationships. and i dont want that to happen. life is about change though, and most of the time we must accept fate. but regardless, this summer... holy fuck. i dont like to swear generally, but holy fuck. it is gonna rock.

oh and... thanks for being there, always. :-)

love you homes. you mean the world to me. our friendship means the world to me, and i dont ever want to let you down. so hey pal, if i have, be my best friend, tell me about my mistakes and help me fix them. the point of relationships of any kind, be it friendship, love, family, the point my dear, is to enhance each other's lives. enhance mine. make me a better person.

come walk with me, there's room for two on this bridge, so even if i say i dont want you to come, dont let me go alone. it will be a long, cold, lonely walk that way.

that is just me being irrational anyways, saying things i dont mean.... i do that sometimes, i say things that i dont mean. i hate it. it goes along with the whole indecision thing. sometimes it is because i think too much, and sometimes it's because i dont think nearly enough. but this time i am sure i want company, so heed these words, toss reason aside for a second and walk with me. but not because i want you too, because you want too as well.

it's a world of plastered on smiles, and lies, and drugs and dollar bills. where franklin holds far more power than george ever did.

its all about strategy, and weaknesses, and work, lots of work.

its about competition, where the losers cry and blame their loss on the rest of the world, never themselves, and the winners walk around grinning, till they again fall. because in this world no one is on top for long.

it is a world of spoiled children, and material love. it is a world where love is often misinterpreted with money, and hearts are broken almost as fast as the bank. it brings debt like a plague, and sorrow follows quickly behind.

it is a world full of liars, and cheaters and drunks and abusers and pigs. it makes you as cynical as scrooge, sour as a lemon, and bitter as sulfur.

it is a world of early mornings and late late nights, stress and little sleep.

but most of all it is a love that has been burning so deep and so long, that it has almost burnt her out. because it's not all bad, not all of it, not at all.

but... the plastered on smiles are making her face ache, the lies hurt a million times more than the truth, and it just doesnt seem worth it anymore...

and that in itself breaks her heart.

its snowing outside right now, big fluffy white snowflakes, the kind that look yummy to eat, and comfortable to sleep in, and stick to your eyelashes so you can see them when you blink. but right now i do not want to sleep. right now i want to be awake, right now i want to sit and stare out my window at the snow. and eventually go for a walk. because i always do in the snow.

sometimes i think about how crazy everything seems, and how i constantly feel busy. but i realized if i wasnt constantly busy, or occupied, then well it wouldnt be me, and i wouldnt know what to do with myself. so i am blessed with my work and my family and my friends, not so much the school work, but i do that too.

and i would just like to say thanks. thanks a lot.

i love you, all of you, a whole whole whole whole whole lot.

you complete me. no joke intended.

come walk with me...

1) YOUR PORN STAR NAME- (NAME OF FIRST PET + STREET YOU LIVE ON):
2) YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME- (NAME OF YOUR FAVOURITE SNACK FOOD + GRANDFATHERS FIRST NAME):
3) YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME- (FIRST WORD YOU SEE ON YOUR LEFT + FAVOURITE RESTAURANT):
4) EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS- (Favorite Spice + Last Vacation Spot):
5) "FLY GIRL" ALIAS [aka J. Lo]- (First Initial + First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name):
6) DETECTIVE ALIAS- (Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Went to High School):
7) SOAP OPERA ALIAS- (Middle Name + Street Where You First Lived):
8) ROCK STAR ALIAS- (Favorite Candy + Last Name Of Favorite Musician):


ok, so yea, i could fill this out, and that would be fun and all.... but, wouldnt it be more interesting to see how well you know me, and have you fill it out? its hard, give it a shot, make me laugh.

have fun :-)

so 2005, already.

we started with a bang, well really more like a loud cough, but there was enough giggling and shouting and overall fun and laughter here that it felt like a bang.

its 2005, and exactly 5 months from yesterday we are graduating from high school. 5 short months. it seems hard to believe that we actually made it this far. the search for colleges for most of us is over and done with and all that comes now is the decisions. when school ends some of us are moving. others will go into the summer and start working right away, leaving little time for other activities, or seeing other people. we have 5 short months left with each other. this summer will be our last one at home possibly for a few.

sometimes i feel ready. sometimes.

and sometimes it scares me so much i just want to cry. and sometimes i do.

im just a baby really. i may say i want to go out on my own, i may say i am excited, or i might tell you the truth.

and the truth is, right now i dont want to go. high school is just fine for me. just fine.

but right now, it's time to grow up, katie, time to grow up...

the more i can admit it, the easier it is to actually do it. so dont let me lie to you.

my heart hurts for reasons unbenouced to me, i suppose my body and mind are just along for the ride this time.

smiles fade in the distance, and pictures are all that i hold right now.

in one of them you are sleeping, you are holding her hand, and you lip is drooping a little bit, lax in your state of unconscious. you look so peaceful that when i look at it, and think of you now i want to rip it up because i am sure you are anything but peaceful at the moment. or at least so i think... but who knows? and that's the thing... no one does.



...
i have no reason to be unhappy. none at all. nothing is wrong, for real.
...
just let it go....
but what?