we walk together in the sunshine, i always a step ahead of you on the path, not because i dont want to walk beside you but because i always feel the need to walk with a purpose, to get somewhere. you slow me down and make me look at the trees, and the grass which is turning green in some areas. you are good for me like that, you make me slow down to enjoy some of the finer things in life, which should always be done, when there is the time to do it.

like walking in the sunshine.

i have to look up to see into your eyes when i stand beside you, and the sun is blinding, but i follow the soothing sound of your voice, and catch your scent on the breeze when we walk in silence.

you breathe in your mouth and out your nose as you walk, like most athletes do. i have tried to train myself to do that when i run, but it doesnt come naturally. you simply do it.

and you walk with your head high, a step ahead but still laid back.

i notice these things as we walk in the sunshine together.

it has been too long, far too long since i have felt the sun on my pale skin...

thank you sun, for shining today.

a burning gaze attracts my attention from across the room, one i cannot break. a gaze that blazes right through me, right through my own eyes, deep into my soul, stealing every secret i possess. a gaze i cannot read, nor understand the intent, and try to read by taking in the surroundings. but it isnt in the surroundings that i will find meaning, it is the source.

but these eyes are too weak, and unwilling to venture any farther into the darkness at present.

staring down your future, not knowing where it will end, what path to take, when it will begin to make sense.

when the secrets i cannot read or understand will present themselves to me, and whether they will be pretty or not. and why i dont just jump in, and see what life brings is hard to understand sometimes.

maybe it is the weary feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me sunshine is not in the immediate future.

'looks like rain, tut-tut, looks like rain.'

the piano is one of the most hypnotic and beautiful instruments when played with emotion, with feeling, with passion. anything can be beautiful when there is a passion put into it. anyone can be beautiful when they do something with a passion, whether it is running up and down a basketball court, playing with all their heart, painting a masterpiece, playing the piano. anything.

almost more beautiful than witnessing the end result of a passion at work, is watching a person enjoy something so much, putting everything they have into something, and the satisfaction they get out of it.

there is nothing to even compare it too.

absolute beauty, in its truest and purest form, down to the bare bones. to witness a person in this manner is to see into their soul.

it gives me the chills.

absolute chills.

sometimes i find myself sitting down to take a deep breath in realization of the fact that this is indeed life, and this is my chance, and hell.... i gotta do something.

so i want to take more chances, and i want to be more impulsive, because first instincts are usually in tune the most to your own behavior and mind rather than what society dictates to you..... within reason of course.

and i've found there are many facets to everyone, including myself. like a mirror that has been dropped on the ground and broken into a thousand pieces. those little pieces are all different parts of the whole, looking back at you and seeing you in different lights and angles, and moods, just like the outside world and the people around us views us. some pieces of the mirror are larger than others, and those people can view a great deal of themselves and allow for a great deal to be known. others are tiny fragments, pieces that touched our lives. but it all counts for something.

and in the end, at the end of the day, i want to be able to say, katie you truly are happy.......
but at the same time, always remember, like everything in life, "there is always room for improvement."

sleep filled eyes and a promise of a phone call later are all she has at the current moment. that and aching muscles, that will hurt to walk tomorrow, and developing tendonitis in her wrist that she doesnt even want to think about at this very moment. because beautiful spring days like today make every little ache, and every little pain, and every extra ounce of work worth coming back for. because even if this wasnt what her body was made for, her heart was through and through. and that is all that matters.

time can try and tell her when and where to stop, but that fight will be an epic one, and she will not lose. one because losing is not her style, or in her nature. and two, because the heart is the strongest muscle in the body, and she wants this and loves it with all of her heart.

so its time to get on the ball, lets get it started. time to start getting ready for this summer.

its not the story of two friends, and its not the story of two lovers. it is the story about two people that came together and made something beautiful out of friendship, like a rainbow out of sunlight and rain.

i see her smile at him, and in that smile, in every crease on her face, especially the ones close to her eyes i can see her love shine out to him.

together we joke about her, and how lucky he is. i can tell by his tone and voice she is the one. absolutely no doubt.

they make a funny pair. but looks mean nothing, except for the ones that they give each other...

they created a story, of two friends, come lovers and more, so much more. it is a partnership in every possible sense. she is the push and he the pull.

magic is happening here folks. true, honest to god magic. and i have a seat in the first row.

because the love i feel for each of them, together, and separately could almost match how they feel for each other.

and let me tell you, that is a whole lot.

woah, deep breath. here we go.

..........this is life folks.

there still is beauty in the snow, even if i am ready for spring. 

i dont think i have been this cold or this tired in a very long time. back to school, back to the grind, back to work, and back to winter. snow falls again piling on top of the slight hope i had last week with the brown patches of dirt that were in the backyard, and the friendly flocks of robins have again disappeared.

lately listening instead of speaking has been a real eye opener. sometimes if you talk too much you dont leave room for other opinions or voices to be heard, brilliant, wise voices at that.

one voice in particular is truly an inspiration. with gray hair and gray blue eyes to match, a very quiet, but very commanding and insightful voice, that carries an air of importance. she is talented, oh so very talented, and there is soo much to learn from her.

i must learn how to listen better. to hold my tongue, let her speak.

oh patience help me out on this one...

because sometimes i think i dig for answers that i just wont find, and i try to see things that arent there to make myself feel better.

i settle quickly and easily into a routine, but i am not always happy. i have this incredible mask though, but it isnt always the truth you see in my eyes, as much as i want it to be. and as much as i hate lying to myself or anyone else.

i sat on the kitchen floor the other night petting my dog trying to convince myself that this was how it should be. that i should be happy all the time, because i have no reason to be sad, and that i have all a girl could ever ask for at this moment in time.

and i am happy. and i am settled, and stable, and secure. but why should one settle?

so much more i could see, and do, and live and experience. and you want to know the only thing that is holding me back from anything and everything i think i may want. no one but me.

no it's not that im not happy, or i am lacking in anything, i just want more.

i am a greedy complaining bitch.

but at least i know it... if that is consoling at all.

to live life with soo much passion you can see it bubbling in one's chest and pour from one's finger tips and shoot out the ends of one's hair.

because why not love everything and everyone you can in your life? why not change the things you dont like, and enhance the ones you do? why not listen a little more than speak, you learn more everyday like that. why not change the world? ......why not?

because isn't life just more fulfilling that way?