so i figured it out... i know why i do it. i am terrified of being alone. i am terrified of facing the demons that make up me, essentially by myself. i am afraid that once i face what i am inside, that maybe i won't know or like that person, and no one else will...
so i flirt, i put myself out there and tease, and beg, and ask for the attention from other people, men, in particular, and ones that i know are already attracted to me makes the job that much easier.
it's like a game. play a little, pull them in, let them find the wonderful things about me that i apparently am unable to find myself. it's pathetic really. and in the end, i'm not just hurting me, but them too. because really, i'm not good for them, at least not now, maybe not ever. they just have the ability to help save my hurt ego, and i think maybe they can heal my broken heart.
the thing is only i can do that. only i can heal myself. i need to learn to love myself before i can love anyone else again, because there is no way around it, you did a number on this heart. you did a number on this ego, you did a number on this girl. and really i know it is good, i know it is better this way, i know we aren't meant to be, not now, maybe not ever. but it still hurts to be rejected, it still hurts to be told you aren't the one, even when you know, you know deep down it isn't right either. it still doesn't mean you don't wish you were perfect. it doesn't mean you can just turn the switch off in your heart that cares about that person like that.
and i try. i try to forget, and sometimes i think i do a great job. but then i think that maybe it just means if i can forget that it didn't mean anything. and i know it did. i know we loved each other, i know it meant something. just because we couldn't make it work doesn't mean it wasn't worth the shot we gave it. doesn't mean you didn't love me and i didn't love you. we loved. we had fun, we lived, we learned.
learning to move on in the most appropriate way possible is something i believe we both have yet to master. i hated you for the way you used to move on so fast from all your other relationships when we were friends, but when it came to us, i just let it happen, within a month of my "serious" relationship ending. we are so similar in so many ways, and we thought we had found that match, that connection, that similarity that could make it all work.
but people change and we weren't willing to change with each other, and this is where we are left. i want so badly to call you sometimes, tell you about how much i hurt, talk to my best friend, ask him if i will ever be able to find another person that can not only be my lover but my best friend as well. but i can't because we cant even talk right now, its too painful, because you were my best friend, and i let it be more, we let it be more, and we didn't work out.
but then again, you never know until you try.
i guess we just weren't ready.
i miss my best friend. and i hate this flirty, heart breaker i am trying to be right now, but i do it anyways, even though i know it isn't right because i don't want to face the possibility that someone other than you might not want me.
pathetic i know. but how can you mend a broken heart? i'm still not very good at it, the point now is i guess i'm really trying to get better.
