she wants to laugh and giggle in the warm april sunshine at a house that is temporarily hers for the weekend with chickens, and puppies that sleep on the couch with you at night, and fresh eggs in the morning for breakfast. and her best friend there by her side.

she wants to drive with the windows down and sunglasses on, and get ice cream from the place down the street. she wants to breathe in air thats combination of new life and wet pavement from the melting snow and budding flowers, and expose her white arms to the warm sunshine. and to see dogs with their heads out car windows tongues and ears flapping carelessly in the wind.

she is ready for this road trip, for this summer, for spring. for flowers and birds chirping and walks in the sunshine. she is ready for life, and she is ready for love.

trying to find my way back to familiar territory.

because i lost that line between going too far, and not far enough. and i dont know how to make it through to you.

because i hurt too.

because i am tired and my best friend has secrets that i think i should know about but i have been too sleepy to wait around and hear about. some best friend i am.

sometimes i wish i was more spontaneous, like i could have the ability to pick up and leave and show up at someone's door and have them run away with me for awhile. because wouldnt that be a nice surprise? i know i would probably go if someone came to my door. but still that decision making thing has always been a hindrance for me and continues to be. i should get up off my butt and do something about it, just like i should start exercising everyday.

i cant always be right, but i pride myself on my ability to read people and what is going on in their lives. and for the first time in a long time im not sure how to read this one. i have been paying too much attention to everything else going on with me lately that the details have eluded me. i hate being selfish. busy, that is alright, but i feel downright selfish on this one, and im not sure why.

happy thursday morning --- world. how are you today?

tired sunlight through a dusty window and a yellow rose make me want to paint beautiful pictures that inspire people and take their breath away, i want to inspire you.

but these clumsy fingers were not blessed with the gift to create beauty like my mother's were and im frustrated because i want to show the world how beautiful everything looks to me right now at this very moment.

i wish i could paint you this picture to keep forever....

because now seems to be the time for growing up.

and im not quite sure how i feel about that.

chasing shadows is like asking for trouble.

i started the day a shadow chaser. i woke up refreshed from a much needed conversation with ash the night before, the sun was shining, i was smiling following two of my favorite people down the road and into work. on the way there i noticed my shadow out in front of me, i was a shadow chaser.

almost 12 hours later, soar and defeated with red tear stained cheeks and bruises i have decided that being a shadow chaser is not a good idea, and an omen i hope not to repeat anytime soon.

weakness, this is a weakness i must overcome, you cant blame everything on shadows. soon too, because it almost hurts more to have you see me cry than the reason for the actual tears.

i love to hear the sound of your voice, even at 2 am on a school night. it has soothing qualities for me, and i treat it as a precious gift. even so, i still cant sleep.

tonight the moon was low enough that as we spoke i could see it through my window, it was cloudy, but bright enough that i could see its outline through the clouds. i wondered if you could see it too, but i didnt ask. sometimes i dont ask questions even if i want to, i dont know why, i think sometimes somethings are better left to the imagination.

as the days grow longer and the sun keeps the stars hiding for longer and longer periods of time i get more and more anxious. this culminating year of my life is flying by, but also crawling. hampered down by this sickness i cant seem to shake brings me down a great deal, and keeps me up at night. on the warm spring like days i want to go out and run in the sunshine, but im afraid of where my feet will take me, how far they will run on their own. summer is fast approaching and so is leaving; both of which i nervously await. i want for school to be over, but i dont want to leave those familiar hallways. and sometimes i just get plain sick of you being away.

i worry about the boy with the open mouth grin, and i count down the days till he will come home for both you and me, as i miss one of my best friends. i am afraid of the changes i will see, i am afraid i will miss the person that left.

the future scares me sometimes, for as much as there is to look forward too it is also scary.

i feel like a jumbled mess.

a jumbled mess.

i love it how whenever we talk no matter what EVERYTHING always makes sense.

and you are totally right, there is absolutely nothing wrong with us, it is the rest of the world.

but you know what i was thinking about. im glad that there isnt anyone else like you around. because if the whole world understood me like you do, well then, our friendship wouldnt be as special as it is. besides, then i would have to be wrong more often, and being wrong to someone else other than you on a daily basis i dont think i could handle.

you are one of a kind sunshine, and i am so glad i got over my inadvertent fear of heights. because to stand on the same level of you is pretty damn high, but im not gonna lie, i like the view. it is all very clear.

i think we should make wednesday chats a regular thing, maybe? i know i like it.

"the world works in mysterious ways."

and for all the mystery and wonder and hard times and smiles and good times and wonderful people that have been thrown into my life thank you world. thank you and your mysterious ways, and your bumps and bruises and good times and bad. because the bumps only make me stronger and the smiles and people keep me going. thank you thank you thank you.

sweet dreams and happy things.

i received a book last night, and it brought me back to all the old familiar places, and told me what my summer would most likely consist of.

and suddenly i felt like it was a july evening walking on those fair grounds toward a full blue moon and my destiny. strangely it was no one i would have expected walking beside me, just as i hadnt expected it back then, but it was pleasant conversation, and he gave me a feeling of safety and protection. when others saw i was deep in conversation with him they didnt even bother to look or ask any more questions. people assume. but i dont really mind, it kept things peaceful.

i love the smell of the grass, and the track and the stands and the ring, and the horses, and the night. that is probably one of my absolute favorite scents in the entire world, nighttime at northhampton. there is usually at least one afternoon shower, and then the nights are generally warm, so the air is steamy and heavily scented of grass and track. the lights from the ring light the way, and the vendors call with the tantalizing scent of the greasy infield food, which one tries to avoid all week. people swirl around you, there are soo many of them, hardly any place for peace and quiet, unless you know about the secret places. i know almost all of them.

we watch some of the most beautiful animals i have ever seen, and then we are asked to go find two stragglers that have most likely gotten lost on the infield, but a sudden downpour has us driving much to fast on wet grass and puddles trying to find shelter. a bright pink towel for an umbrella and the best seat in the house we abandon our search for a view of the ring away from everyone else. a backdrop of the moon, and fine harness carts shining in the ring, and i realize i could never miss this for the world. pleasant conversation fills the rest of the evening, as we shuttle wet but laughing people back to their barns when the big lights finally go out and the show has ended. the golf cart lights are very dim, and i am thankful for the beautiful moon.

nostalgia. i cant wait. cannot wait. and i want you too see it with me this time. i want you to breathe the air out there, and smell and touch and taste everything wonderful about it. i love it i love it i love it.

ill be seeing you in all the old familiar places.

until then...

so i was going through my pictures today, and i i couldnt resist, how much do i love this girl? even if she is a puppy stealer! :-P

i have been feeling very unbalanced as of late, a feeling i have come to hate a great deal, and behind sick on top of that doesnt help much.

i think this move is effecting me in more ways than one. because although i am beyond happy about it, i am also losing some of my sanity with it. no longer will i be able to see two people that have a profound affect on my life 5 days a week. instead it will be limited to one or none. and in all honesty i have enough phone conversations as it is. the phone is something i am growing to dislike a great deal. it is cold and flat, expressionless. it is nothing compared to the real thing.

i am sorry that my unbalanced state has found it necessary to test our strength. i was angry, and irrational, and it wasnt your fault. and because of this i am infinitely sorry. it is something i am not proud of in the least. its not that i am bored, or tired of this, time makes me nervous sometimes i think. i was pulling at those life lines to make sure they were still holding tight. because a girl can never be too careful on this raging sea of life we have.

i need calm, warm, peaceful waters. i need it like i need oxygen. because this unbalanced act is starting to make my stomach churn and is giving me unwanted nightmares...

because even in your absence in the dead of winter we think of you, we worry, and we love.

above almost all other things i treasure my memories the most. memories remind me just how alive i am.

i wonder if there is such a thing as karma, and if there is, how does it dictate my world?

one of the things i pride myself most on is my ability to remember every little detail about things. not everything, but moments, and activities, times and people that stick out in my mind, and i remember everything.

like the first time i met you. we were only 5. i stood on top of a huge mountain of dirt that separated our yards. they were still building your house, and your mom was changing you sisters diaper in the little black truck your dad used to have. you had blond hair that shone in the sun when you came running towards the mountain of dirt. you had a smile on your face, and your knees were covered in dirt. your shorts were blue, and your shirt was off white. you had a devilish look in your eyes, and i wanted to be your best friend. from that first moment i saw you i wanted to be your best friend.

i was a tom-boy. yes, i had barbies, they were birthday presents mostly, and some dolls. but i would much rather run and play in the sun, and scrape my knees, and get dirty. i would much rather wrestle and play with you than the girls down the street.

yesterday, we were talking about memories, i started talking about the first time i saw you, but you interuppted, and told me the same story i was about too, but from the other side, how you remember seeing me for the first time on the mountain of dirt.

its funny the things we remember.... i wonder if this means anything. are we still conected on that best friend level that we were back then, as 5 year olds?

for a long time i thought i wanted to marry you. you know my 5 year old self did that is. i thought to myself, how perfect, i could marry my best friend, and we could spend the rest of our lives playing in the sun, and running around barefoot in the grass. how could it be more perfect?

and then we grew up. and apart. but part of me, the 5 year old in me still loves the 5 year old you, and would gladly marry you on a summer day in our backyards, and then run in the grass until it was dark and we were too tired, and our knees grass-stained to move anymore. and colapse and lay in the grass looking up at the stars, till we had caught our breath long enough to get up again and chase the fireflies.

do you remember those days boy? i do.

i think that we are still connected on some level, even if it is only as 5 or 7 year olds.

and it made me smile today to think you remembered everything just as perfectly as i did.

karma? maybe. if it is, i like it.

thanks friend.