I fell asleep on the couch, that little comfy couch in my second home. In front of that wonderful wood stove.

The smell and warmth of the wood stove almost always makes me sleepy. I love it. I love it's smell, I love that it makes the room so warm and comfy, and i espeically love it's rustic feel.

So I fell asleep on that little couch in front of the wood stove in my second home, and I don't think I have slept that peacefully or deeply in a long time.

And then to make it even better I woke up with my second favorite boy in the world sleeping peacefully next to me. Everything was just so serene and comfortable, I felt like it all belonged. It felt like I belonged.

And it all fit.

Last night I went to Mexico.

I went on an hour long drive to Mexico to get Goya Maria Crackers. Well actually they were cookies. Goya Maria Cookies.

Did you know the Goya Bean company made cookies?

I didn't. I also learned that there is such a thing as Chicken in a Biscut. they are crackers. Imagine that, crackers with chicken flavoring. what is this world coming to? Guess you can learn a lot of cool things when you go on a drive all the way to Mexico.

We went to 7 stores before we finally gave up and settled on Goya Maria. All the way in Mexico.

And all we wanted were graham crackers. Graham crackers, to make smores, and we ended up all the way in Mexico with Goya Maria.

So we went home, and made Smoras. Because you have to have Mexican smores when you have Mexican cookies to make them on...

He knew something was wrong the second he walked into the room. He had known something was wrong when she walked away from him outside, with her head down, shoulders slumped, and a gleam in her eyes. When he walked into the room everything was silent, and she was sitting in the gray swivel chair at the very back of the room, her head turned away, petting the cat, the only thing making noise in the room, its loud purr echoing in the silence. This was unusual; she did not usually stop working to pet a cat when there was so much to be done. He came up behind her, and grabbed her, gently, saying “Grrr I’m a bear," in a vain effort to make her smile, it was pathetic, but a gesture nonetheless, and that meant something.

So she began to cry. It was going to happen eventually. She had felt it building up all day. From the moment he asked if someone else could live there, she knew she wouldn’t be able to take it without at least one good cry.

Sometimes she forgot that he was gone, he was gone, and he wasn’t going to come back.

And she forgot this sometimes.

It was natural to forget; when he was there she tried not to look at him most of the time because that made her sad. But now that she thinks about it, the fact that she did that makes her even more upset. Why ignore him while he was still there? Just because you couldn’t stand to see him that way? How do you think that made him feel?

You are a selfish girl she thinks to herself. A selfish disgusting girl. She is disgusted with herself, and sad all at once, and it is just to much to take. She continues to cry.

He stands behind her and holds her as she cries. She sobs, screaming sometimes.
“I forget sometimes he is gone, and when I do remember....”
“I miss him.”
But mostly, “I don’t want to cry.”

She thinks that if she cries in front of them they will think she is weak. She knows that they love her, but she still doesn’t want to cry, not in front of them, not in front of anyone.

Crying is not as easy as it seems.

But he stands there, behind her, and holds her. And she leans on his arms. And she cries, and screams. And he doesn’t leave her. It is okay to cry in front of him, he won’t leave.

She comes in, and runs immediately over… “What is the matter, are you upset because I yelled earlier?” Worry lines her usually happy face.

She looks up at the man that she loves, the man holding the girl who is crying uncontrollably. He shakes his head, and says one word. One word that explains everything.

“Major”

It is her turn to hold the crying girl. They sit down on the floor together, and the man leaves; there is only so much he can do.

They sit and talk and cry together, it was a loss for everyone. She tells her it is ok to cry. If you do not cry you cannot move on sometimes. Sometimes you need to cry. They hug, and she begins to cry again. She cries for him, she cries for herself. It is the most that she has cried about the whole thing.

And then, as she cries, she begins to realize that everything will be okay. Someday, she will see him again. And for the time being, there is so much work to do, so much to live for, and so much to love.

So much to love.

Everything will be okay.

Crying is okay.

The sad girl is okay.

She is no longer a sad girl, but now she knows sometimes it is okay to cry, and it is okay to be sad.

She learns that these things take time to heal, and sometimes they never do. And there will be someone there for her always.

But most importantly she learns,
It is okay to cry.


Love Always,

katie

the clock says 1:42, and I cannot sleep...

I read a lot of my old entries tonight, and tried to think back to exactly what I was thinking about and feeling when I wrote them. For some of them it was hard, but then again, those were all the things I didn't want to remember anyways.

I write about myself a lot, I use the pronoun I a lot. I wonder if this annoys people... I mean really, do you really want to read about me all the time, because I write about me a lot. I sit here and do it again. Does anyone actually want to read this? Do I really care if anyone wants to read it?

of course I do, everyone cares, don't they?

talked a lot about my adolescent years today, or rather listened to you talk about yours. Laughed a lot, cried almost, smiled.

I wondered about my mother's childhood, and my grandmother's, and my father's, and his mother's, and his brother's, and all my family's and close friends'. I like to talk about my life, I wonder if they do too. Is it just because I am trying to figure out life still that I enjoy/need to talk about it... I want to know about their lives. Growing up with their siblings, their first high school crush... Their first kiss. What they liked to do when they were young. How different life was when they went to highschool. I want to learn from them. I wonder if they would want to tell me these things. I want to wake my mother up and talk to her for hours, I would wake anyone up right now just to hear them talk, to hear the sound of their voice.

I feel lonely, and at the same time I feel like I want to be alone, alone with my thoughts, and yet I sit here and share them with you, whoever you are as you read this.

I have nothing more to say.

and I will leave with that note. Have a good night.

love always,

katie

My god it is absolutely frigid outside… it was -1 degrees when I went to work today, and damn, let me tell you, that was COLD…

However, despite the extreme cold, and wind (which made it feel like -20), and the fact that when I went outside my nostrils froze (which I didn’t think was possible) I still had a thoroughly enjoyable time… something about being up there alone, without anyone else, just the quiet, calm peacefulness of everything, was wonderful.

Just me and my ponies, and the ridiculous cold.

When you can freeze your ass off and still enjoy yourself then you know you found something special. And that is just another reason why I know that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

love always,

katie

It hurts her sometimes, I can see it in her eyes. She doesn't have the answers to everything, and most of the time this does not bother her, but not this. this causes her eyes to glaze over, and a far away look come across her face.

I wish I could tell her all the answers, and make everything alright. Because a pretty face like that looking so sad is a horrible thing, it just breaks my heart.

she doesn't have all the answers because she is too afraid to find them... They are right there in front of her, they have been there for awhile, but she is just too afraid to ask. I have never seen someone so curious about something, when it is right there and still do nothing about it... You can see she is just itching to ask...

Like if there was a brown paper bag in the fridge, and your mom told you not to look in it because it was a surprise, and all you wanted to do is look in that bag, but at the same time you wanted it to be a surprise so you don't want to look... That kind of itching, that kind of desire to know...

And it hurts her at the same time.

It hurts her all the time...

Not knowing....


Just sometimes it gets to her more than others. And that is the saddest I have ever seen her... It really breaks my heart.

you got so excited about the moon you were practically shaking, and I feared for my life, because you were driving, and I was afraid we would drive off the road...

but that's one of my favorite things about you... you enjoy the random beauties of life, and you aren't afraid to share those feelings with the world...

and, you act like you are two years old when you do it, cuz you are just so darn happy....

and it makes me laugh, no it makes me giggle...

and the moon was absolutely stunning tonight...

love always,

katie

One of the worst things in the world is a smile that is not meant.

when you smile at me everyday, I know that you do not mean it.

I know that you don't like me... I don't know what I have ever done to you, but I know you don't like me, and I no longer care, because quite frankly, I don't like you either, not one little bit...

So please, if and when you see me in the halls, don't lie to me with your smile... It just makes me want to vomit... And then punch you in the face...

I am not an angry person. I just do not like being lied to.

Time is to clock as mind is to brain. The clock or watch somehow contains the time. And yet time refuses to be bottled up like a genie stuffed in a lamp. Whether it flows as sand or turns on wheels within wheels, time escapes irretrievably, while we watch. Even when the bulbs of the hourglass shatter, when darkness withholds the shadow from the sundial, when the mainspring winds down so far that the clock hands hold still as death, time itself keeps on. The most we can hope a watch to do is mark that progress. And since time sets its own temp, like a heartbeat or an ebb tide, timepieces don't really keep time. They just keep up with it.

-Dava Sobel, Longitude

whoa...

i feel lost in time....

I reached for another chocolate out of the bag, and thought to myself, this is why you are always complaining about gaining weight, because once you start, you cannot stop sometimes...

and it is true, but who can resist chocolate?

I mean honestly, real chocolate... It is one of the best foods I have ever eaten.

people always call it comfort food, and I finally found the reason why...

it just tastes soo good, and creamy, and comfortable, you always feel comfortable after you eat it, no matter what... And it most often always makes you smile... At least it does for me...

a friend named a bag of lindt chocolate, "orgasms in a bag," the other day...

I don't know if I would go that far, but damn they are good....
:)

To be honest I never really enjoyed the idea of celebrating a New Year. To me it was always a night full of joy and excitement for all the new things to come. But more importantly a night filled with broken promises, and drunken relatives, and silly balls falling from the sky... A whole lot of climatic things that lead up to the midnight hour, and then you go to bed, and wake up the next morning and nothing has changed... I especially despise resolutions. Who really follows all of their new years resolutions... I don't even remember them half of the time...

and last night, I spent new years with friends, which I haven't ever really done, with the exception of a few close friends staying over every other year or so... But this year, I was 16 and I could drive, and I have friends that can drive, and an invitation to the wonderful house of the Watka sisters. So what the hell, I went, and I do not regret it for a moment.

I spent a lot of my time watching people, the way they talk, the way they move, the way they react with everyone around them, and I saw how wrong I was about nothing changing with a new year. At one point or another I was very dear friends with many of the people at that party, and as I watched them again, for the first time in a long time, I realized how different everything was... Everything changes, EVERYTHING... And as much as I hate it, and god only knows how much I despise and hate, and LOATH change, last night it made me smile. And I don't really know...

maybe it was watching all of my old dear friends enjoying themselves thoroughly, wanting to know them so badly, and at the same, being completely content with where I am right now.
or maybe it was knowing I was completely happy with my life in almost every aspect for the first time in a LONG time.
or maybe it was just that magnificent smile that never seemed to leave Lauren Watka's face.
or maybe it was that little wind up car, that amused me for almost an hour.
or maybe it was sitting on the kitchen floor, falling asleep, listening to my great friend tell stories about herself, and laugh at herself.
or maybe it was the wonderful music that we listened to.
or maybe it was staying up till 5 am when I had to go to work at 9 listening to my excited friend retell all the exciting things that happened that night and that year, and not being able to sleep because of her and her excitedness.
or maybe it was missing the boy that I thought I loved, and then realizing that I do not love him the way that I thought I did, and being completely okay with that.
or maybe it was hugging all of my dear old friends at the end of the night, and still feeling a connection in a way.
or maybe it was not wanting to let go, but doing it anyways.
or maybe it was trying to make a silly sad faced girl smile, and then when she did, realizing how beautiful that smile was.
or maybe it was remembering how horrible, and how wonderful this year was in so many ways, and how much stronger and better a person I am for it.
or maybe it was realizing how many new and wonderful friends I made.
or maybe it was thinking of major, and being able to smile.
or maybe it was being able to sing, and know that I was and will always be horrible, but doing it anyways, because I can, and I felt comfortable with all of the people that could hear.
or maybe it was being reminded of the beauty of the moon and stars by a dear friend, even though I could not see them behind the clouds, but talking about them anyways, because he knew how much I love the night sky.
or maybe it was talking to a dear friend earlier in the day, and hoping that just by being there I could help, and I think that I did.
or maybe it was thinking about all these things, and not being able to stop smiling, even in my extreme state of sleepiness.
or maybe it was sitting here thinking about all these things and wanting to write more, but not being able to.

in any case, I decided that celebrating the new year is not such a horrible thing... I even made a new years resolution, that I really intend and hope to keep... Happy New Year.

2004 New Years Resolution:
Follow through with all of the things I say I am going to do. (Because I am a person that has made far to many broken promises.)