i have always had a hard time with goodbyes. sometimes when i feel an immanent goodbye i run from it. i was never good with confrontations that could be forevers.

forever is such a permanent address... i am not so sure i could accept that address with some people and places. however, i know it will happen.

loyalty. loyalty is important to me. i have always been loyal till the end. whether or not i am the one that ends it.

i am afraid of the pieces of myself that i will leave with people when they have left. to love someone so much that you know eventually you will have to let go despite the pain and emptiness is something i am not sure i am ready to grapple with.

sometimes happiness has it's own address. sometimes when we are not on the same corner it is hard to imagine living with what may be in the future. though i do find the thought of tomorrow incredibly exciting.

i had no saturday afternoon call this past weekend.

i worry all the time.

please, dont let this street be a dead end. im not ready for that dark corner.

rules... i, for the most part have always played by the rules... never stepping too far outside the line, thinking not only of myself and what the consequences of my actions are, but of the repercussions it brings on the other people around me in my life...

sometimes i feel like i have hung onto a safety net for too long... always treading inside the boundaries that i felt safe with because it was acceptable to not only myself but to the many people i hold dear in my life....

i have never wanted to be a disappointment. it is actually one of my biggest fears. but sometimes i wonder if i am missing out on something.

responsibility is important to me, i have enjoyed the privileges that have come with responsibility for a long time, because for the most part i am pretty damn reliable. but i wonder if sometimes i am cheating myself. i wonder sometimes if i am too afraid to step outside those boundaries and smell the air, and maybe screw up once in a while, and maybe have a little fun doing it... one of the best ways to learn is through mistakes....

being a perfectionist is tiring sometimes... or at least trying to be one. i am NO perfectionist.

i havent written in a long time. i keep telling myself it is because i am living my life and that because i am living i dont have to write about what i want or what i would change.... when in actuality, i really just have nothing special to write about... because it is the same old same old day in and day out....

dont get me wrong. i love my life. i couldnt be happier with work and my family and the people i surround myself with daily. but sometimes i feel like there is something out there i am missing. its might just be a phase, but i want to start living a little more, making a few more mistakes.... learning... life is about learning. i want to live it up...

so maybe.... someday. anyone up for an adventure?