life is not simple. life is very very messy. sometimes it is good messy, the kind that makes you smile at the end of the day because even though it is chaotic its good chaos. and sometimes it is messy like, how will we ever get to the other side of this disaster kind of messy, and that kind makes you want to hang your head and cry at the end of the day.

but as much as that might make you feel minutely better... it never solves the problem. crying never changed anybodies life. it just makes you feel runny and messier and well sad.

so get through it, get through the mess.... wade into the ocean full steam ahead, dont look back, dont cry, dont laugh, just go for it.

and even if the other side isnt that pretty.... at least at the end of the day you made it through, and you weren't left with a mountain of mess or an ocean of tears.

today was a beautiful day. the sun was shining, birds were chirping, there was a slight breeze, and it was the perfect temperature. jeans, flip flops and a t-shirt. perfect warm fall day. i know, it sounds like i am trying to lamely paint a picture here with all the common adjectives in the book, but really, that's what it was like. i was there.

and in the midst of this beautiful day i found myself sitting in the lobby flirting with a boy that i would never be interested in a million years, one that still does not interest me, other than for the simple banter that flirting provides, talking about how i wanted to be outside, and not inside, how i wanted to not be in school, but out riding, leaf peeping, doing all the annoying things tourists do on beautiful new england fall days.

i told him i wasnt a settler. that i didnt like to settle for things when it wasnt right, or wasnt the best. now lets think about this for a second.

this is actually incredibly funny when you think about it...how is it that i can come up with ideas like that in my head because if that is the case then what the fuck am i doing at school, earning my business degree?

i am tired. i am so tired of learning and trying to cram my head full of information that i dont know if i even want to use. i am going to school to get a degree, and blasting myself, killing myself over my grades about something i dont even know if i want to do. but im doing it because it is what i was told i had to do. i had to get a degree.

what the fuck am i going to do with a business degree? im not going to sit in an office my whole life. i cant, and i wont. i am not an office type girl. i am not an office type girl and i am not the girl that sits in the lobby and flirts with some guy just to pass the time, because:
1. i should have been outside enjoying life for a moment
2. i hate that girl
3. that is so an officy thing to do.
4. i am so a settler. and apparently a liar as well.

but apparetnly today, today i am that girl. that girl that sits in the lobby watching the day go by, mindlessly flirting with someone to pass the time because you feel obligated to stay inside and get your work done because once again, that is the "right thing to do"

clearly somewhere along the line i landed myself here, in this horrible vortex of school and work, that for the most part isnt enjoyable for me at all and wont be useful to me in the future, because well it isnt even what i want to do. im going crazy and nothing is distracting enough to even make it worthwhile.

laugh please... because it really is all a little funny.

adaptation. something both beautiful and strange that allows us to continue living no matter what the circumstances are. those that can adapt can survive and often thrive, and those that cannot, well extinction, or more often than not with humans, failure is the case.

we often adapt to fit the situation at hand, to please the people around us, to work in the most efficient manner possible. we adapt to get the job done, we adapt to accommodate people in our lives, we adapt to survive.

often these little adaptations are so small and suttle we dont always realize it as it happens. we wake up one day and look back and realize we are no longer the people we were a year ago. in fact we could be so far from them we wouldnt recognize them if they passed us in the street. and that is the fundamental element of adaptation; change. everyone changes. change is essential to life, and no one in their right mind can expect to be the exact same person at the end of today that they were yesterday. experiences change us. beliefs may remain the same, and core values often are unaffected or strengthened through experience, but life is a course of change and adaptation.

i look at this journal and am saddened that i dont write anymore. but who really cares? it didnt affect me in a negative way until i realized i had changed my habits. and that my friends is the entire point. change is something that i still have great difficulty accepting.