sweet melodies strummed on a melancholy guitar sends chills down my spine, i can feel the man behind the melody crying out through the chords, singing out his soul through the music, and his current state of affairs is dampening the otherwise peaceful mood of the day. a man in a business suit tosses him the spare change from the latte he just purchased at starbucks. the man is so beside himself in his song however, he fails to notice the gesture. i wonder what it is that has brought him here, and if he has a home or not. i wonder what i have to give to this man that is pouring out his heart and soul to me, speaking to me on levels i almost forgot were there, i reach in my pocket and all i have is chapstick and a piece of gum.

i toss him the gum, and when he looks up i smile and mouth thank-you. hardly sufficient, but at least he knows someone is listening.

when the green line pulls up a minute later i climb on without looking back. it seems cruel at the time, but i have faith that my friend will not spend the rest of his life playing in the warmth of the T station to an imaginary audience that changes with the flow of the trains. and then again, maybe he will. either way his fate is left up to him from now on, because we all reach a point in our own lives where sooner or later you have the power to change your future, and only you.

its time to start changing.

ps. merry christmas.

my beau.














thanks, you.

it gets harder and harder to leave every time i go there. everytime. it is like an exponential equation spiraling into a bigger and bigger desire to just stay.

it is a battle to say goodbye, and not be sure when the next time i'll make it up will be. i hate now that everytime i leave he hugs me goodbye, as if it will be forever until the next time i see him. the formality is breaking down more and more each time i come. she tells me that i shouldnt go, that i belong there. and i know i do.

i feel it in everything that i am when i walk in the door. i can feel it the moment i climb into my truck to go there, and the moment i climb in to leave the desire to stay overwhelms me.

it is funny, they say sometimes we dont appreciate what we have until it is gone. and i know it is true. i knew that far before this year... i try to appreciate everything i have as much as possible. i know i am a lucky girl.

it isnt gone, they arent gone. they never will be... ever.... i just miss waking up everyday, knowing the little battles could be fought together each day... knowing that no one is perfect and we are all helping each other be more perfect, through fights and cooperation, and each other. we learn so much from each other.

the battle is getting more and more difficult as time goes on. i know where i belong.

inspiration, sometimes it can come in a package as tiny as a grain of sand, or a story, or a smile, or a song.

as of late i havent felt very inspired to do anything. school has been an obligation, and when anything is an obligation it takes the fun right out. you sense my dismay at the state of living, and you try to comfort me with the fact that there are always people out there that would come if i called... that would be there for me no matter what.

but it isnt about the people. i love people, and i want them to be happy. this one is about me. what i need to do for myself.

i see familiar faces everyday, walking down the halls, in city theaters... it's strange really, these people were once a part of my everyday, and now they are gone but for glimpses here and there of strangers.

i hear an old friend on the end of the line, 945 and what is there to do in the city? plenty i am sure, but my partner in crime and i can think of nothing else.

a walk through the park, it is getting cold, and the snow on the trees and the ground and the lights makes everything look clean and beautiful. if only the world was so pure white as the snow that now masks its discrepancies.

i wonder, as we watch a flock of ducks huddling together in water that is slowly freezing around them, they dont seem to care, and i decide that we all need friends. nobody likes to be alone.

and then there is you, an ever present and puzzling enigma. sometimes i wonder why i wonder myself. you are what you are, and no one can change that. or at least i havent at all. it is a strange concept. for it seems we change all the people that touch our lives. one by one, how we interact with each other, help each other, teach and learn from each other, changes us. and yet you are constant it seems.

and therein lies my problem. i want to change people. i want to make the people i care about happy, i want to help, and yes there is where change comes in. but as my constant, i find no peace in visiting with you. silly i know. but that is the big puzzle spelled out right there.

i am attempting to touch the seemingly untouchable. i am trying to move a boulder so wedged in place it would take a glacier to move. i am no glacier. i am but a small soul.

a couple passes us on the bridge, and i think of my partner in crimes older sister. the city seems a perfect place for her right now. but to harsh when not covered with this mask of snow. maybe she would be happy in a quieter town, more at peace. she cares for everything, too much sometimes it seems, and i feel that a log cabin is more fitting.

and then there is my best friend. she smiles, but i know everything isnt alright. it is hard sometimes to ask you if something is wrong, but i know there is. i havent seen your huge smile in a long time, i know you are happy when i see that. there is something else behind those brown eyes tonight. you are stoic in this manner. nobody likes to bother other people with their troubles. or at least i dont. but here is the thing, darlin, sometimes the people that are closest to us need to know. tell him how you feel, you are allowed to feel. and i know you do, so much, i can see it in your eyes and smile and radiating from your every being when you are with him. dont hold it in, you might explode.

another phone line, and i hear another friendly voice at the end of the line. you want to know where i am and what i am doing and why i havent stopped by in such a long time. i really should get my priorities straight. if this is what i want to do the rest of my life i should be doing it, every single chance i get. life gets in the way sometimes though... ya know?

this school thing seems to be in my way at the present moment, but i will get through, what is 4 years? i need to do this. after that, who knows where the wind will take me. either way i know you will be there. you are another constant, but not in the same way as the city boy, you are constant in i know you will always be in my life. in every breath and every moment, whether i believe it or not.

the world is a strange place. it is about time i stop feeling bummed, and got up and did something about it.

i am so glad to start work this vacation. so incredibly happy.

life is incredible.

inspiration, it can come in something as tiny as a grain of sand. where do you find yours?

http://www.photosbydebbie.com/ <--- just look.

that is what i'm talking about baby.

someday, somehow...

ill see it all again, and ill breathe it all in, and ill make it worthwhile.

my weekend therapy session.

sometimes i find it hard to articulate just how much i care when we sit together in the cold dark of the late night on our drive home. how incredibly proud, and scared, and much i love your friendship.

in the cold winter evenings that we share together i find hope in your strong presence. i'll grab onto each moment and savor them, because your boyish fun will be in another country soon.

you are doing what you want to do, and for that i admire you. you have bravery beyond your silly grin, and a strong heart. and i am so incredibly proud of you, in all of your bravery, and devotion. and sometimes it is hard to tell you these things, because i don't want to embarrass you.

so be good, brave soldier. and come home soon. life just wont be the same with you gone.

you will always have a home here... right in our hearts, in our homes, with us the whole crew.