my new friend, freckles... :-)

more people, more strangers... but a more familiar terrain. yes, one could get lost in the crowd, but that is not what we are searching for. i am not looking for a hiding place. i am looking for a place to be found.

could i find it here? closer to home... both homes.

bigger... is bigger better?

here i could go to far away places. i could use a change of scenery, italy, or ireland, or australia.

imagine the possibilities....

now if i could only make up my mind... :-/

sometimes i think, we put ourselves on these heart stopping rides, that often in the end people claim they never wanted to ride in the first place. i think many of us believe that these rides will be fun and harmless and no one will ever cry or be scared or hurt so much that they shake.

i was afraid of roller coasters till i was 10. when i was 10 i was invited to a birthday party at canobe lake park. my first amusement park trip ever, and of course, my first time on a roller coaster. and since then i have been hooked.

case and point: even though i am deathly afraid of heights i love roller coasters, for the thrill of the ride and the exhilaration.

the one and only thing about roller coasters is, once you are on... there is no getting off till the ride is over.

no, 'scuse me sir, i think im on the wrong ride, this one is too big, or too slow, or just doesnt look quite right.

kinda like life.

im on the wrong roller coaster.

concentrated smiles, distracted every now and then by a handsome man singing old jazz standards, sit by the warmth of a wood stove to finish a 7 month project for good.

together we learn that time, and distance, and love can tear apart people and bring them together in ways unimaginable. silent tears that fall on pillowcases at 3 am do not always go unseen, and sometimes we all need to be reminded that it will be alright.

it also seems that sometimes feelings are beyond all rational control. despite what we want to think and what we want to believe this love thing does things to us we cannot control. like make us jealous, and sad, and lonely. or even break-hearts in hopes of finding something a little more.

i wonder sometimes, if our tightly knit group will be able to survive this thing we call love. because while it keeps us together, at the same time, it has this horrible reverse magnet ability that could flip around with just the right amount of pushing and pulling that could make us all go flying away from each other. drastic change. we all know how amazing i am at dealing with that...
but then again, i suppose it is also what makes us so close at the same time. the very thing that binds us all together at the same time has this enormous power that could cause us to fly apart.

love and hate really arent too far from each other. both are fueled by intense passion. we cannot have love without hate.

feelings let us know just how alive we are.

i have this amazing ability to lose things. my phone, my paycheck, my sanity. they say for some people if their head wasnt attached to their body they would lose that too, i fortunately, am not that bad.

i blame my sloppiness on my mother. i love her, but she is like me, quite a mess. our house is a fray of things and whosie-whats-its, and all sorts of odds and ends, that yes, do have a place.... it just isnt always quite clear as to what that place is.

and that is of course where i fit in as well in the grand scheme of things. somewhere out there, i might have a place. but like all the odds and ends laying around here, im not quite sure where or when that place and time is. because it seems at the moment there is nowhere i fit.

maybe that is why i feel closer to fitting when i am at home...