let's sail around the world. or maybe just to a warm sunny place. i want to wake up in the morning to a slight fog, the scent of the ocean, and the soft lapping of the sea on the edge of the boat.

i want to watch the sunrise over the water. see the golden arcs of light reach out to touch my fingertips, as i wait expectantly as though the rays were simply a long lost friend, reaching for me before anything else.

but most of all, i would like to believe that despite it all, someday this could really be, even though i know it can't.

or maybe it's better to just keep as a dream, something untouchable and untainted by the bitter cold of reality.

Tragedy. one of those strangely awful things that can bring people together in less than an instant and also have the ability to tear them apart.

it is quite funny the things that roll through your mind when in the midst of it all. the people that you feel the need to confide in. the moments you remember, you relive, you reactivate. the people you do call, the people you don't, and the reasons why.

the person that is there holding you up when the world is crashing down around you in that moment where for just a bit up is down and down is up, and right is always wrong.

sometimes i think we get lucky. sometimes i think there just might be someone else watching out for us. or maybe that just the way things are supposed to be. we really do control our own destiny. however, sometimes it's nicer to think that maybe we can't control everything.

who knows... i think the other day though, there really was someone out there watching over us.

and i for one would just like to say, thank you.

i'm tired, and therefore have done virtually nothing these past few days. i am tired of trying to get it right the first time everytime. so i think i have decided to mess up.

i will play the game of nothing in this last month or so until i feel good and ready to start again. college ended offically a little over a week ago. i should soon be getting my diploma in the mail, but i suppose that doesn't count for a whole lot if you don't know if you even want to do anything with that little piece of paper.

today i think i may go for a run with my puppy. lay in the grass in the sun and soak it in. tonight if it is nice enough we can make a fire, drink wine, and make smores underneath a blanket of stars. sophisitcated i know. it will all make sense soon. i just don't want to think about it for a little while. because thinking has been all i've been doing the past four years. for now, i'd rather sit beside a fire beneath the stars, and not think, not care, just live for a bit, and see where it leads.

it is my new goal to try and live life to the fullest, everyday.

i am sick of being pissed off by other people's bad moods. i allow myself to get much to wrapped up in trying to please everyone, and it only puts me in bad moods when other people are negative and bitchy. they don't care about how they make others feel, so why should i care about them? don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i want to stop caring about people. i just want to try and stop caring about the stupid (bitchy) people that generally make my life more miserable than pleasant.

i want to be happy more than anything and i'm tired of letting all the stupid little things in life get me down.

i will get a job, eventually, and it will be what i want to do. if you surround yourself with happy and good people in your life it doesn't matter what you do, as long as you are happy (and can at least pay the bills.) i will find a place somewhere. i will be a wanderer. i'll keep a job for awhile and then move on. i don't think i am a one profession person, and i don't want my job to be who i am.

i have been feeling really negatively about myself lately. i think i am taking on too much negative energy and stress, and it is making me feel ugly and fat. i'm tired of this too. i don't think i will ever be satisfied with myself.

maybe i just need a change in scene. i will miss this place though. i'll miss it sooooooo much. i love this house, and this beach, and yes, even this school. i love the professors that i have gotten to know, and the familiar pathways, and the smell of the ocean. i smell the ocean everyday, i don't even notice it anymore.

i'll miss the po-dunkiness of maine. yes it is hick-y, and sometimes downright trashy, but it can be that way anywhere. i will never be a city girl, i'll always be a country girl through and through. and there is nothing wrong with that.

word-vomit. this is therapeutic.

i'm difficult and have a hard time letting myself be open to new people.

ha, just another obstacle to overcome this week. great.

i think i'm too difficult.

i think i know what i believe in, but it is a hard balance to strike. to be fair, and not too biased, while also strongly taking a stance. i can't seem to find a balance. it goes both ways, everything goes both ways, you have to look at both sides of the story.

i get too hot headed. too passionate. balance. i need some balance. i need to figure this out. i need to find some more guy friends too. sometimes i get estrogen-ed out.

thank you, for always believing in me. because it means more to me than you know.

and also for making me cry just a little bit.