i remember the way everything looked that day.

the sun, the trees, the pure white of the snow.

the people, the faces, the smiles, the house, the color of your shirt when you hugged me and held me so close to you for so long i thought you would never let go.

i remember it was a blue shirt, not quite navy and not quite royal blue, but a shade in between. but where my face was pressed up so close to it it was dark blue. it was dark blue and salty, salty from my tears, and smelled of spring rain, the lingering smell of your laundry detergent.

and for a moment that seemed infinite you held me, and i can still see your shirt, and smell the spring rain and taste the salt of my tears.

it was a moment. it was a moment in time that will never be forgotten.

the way you handed me the little box poorly wrapped in yellow tissue paper. how i opened it with shaking hands, knowing but not knowing what it was at the same time.

how when you said to me, katie wait, there is one more. the room went silent, they all knew. all of them knew but me.

how i shook when i saw it, when i read it, how i didnt realize it, but the tears were streaming down my face before i could even look up.

my complete and utter shock.

there has never been a moment such as that before in my life.

and looking back on it now, the thing i remember most is the color of your shirt, and the taste of my tears....

interesting. almost a preview to the future... one that i didnt want, but happened nonetheless.

but... at least i know i will always have your shoulder...

i find it funny that i can sit here at your computer, in your house, alone, since you are at work, and still feel perfectly comfortable.

it's like i belong. and i like that.

it also scares me to death, because i know that soon you will be leaving. you will be leaving, and i am scared as all hell that i will lose this feeling. this happiness, this friendship...

i trust you with everything, and i dont know what it will be like when you move an hour and a half away.

not that i need you, not that i am dependent. its just nice to know that someone is there for you. be it 1 o'clock in the morning, or 1 in the afternoon, if i call i know you will answer.

college, just thinking about it scares me.

just thinking about you leaving scares me even more.

this has probably been one of the best years of my life, with much thanks due to you, and there are plenty of other friends that mean the world to me, and that made this year so wonderful... but no one came close to you. we just have something special... no matter how silly you are, most of the time we are just silly together.

we can spend days together, and talk about the same thing over and over and over and it never gets old. its only old when we stop talking about it. ;-)

i look around this little log cabin, and i see pictures of you and your family all around me. i love pictures. there is a picture of you and your sister sitting in front of me, and knowing that i will be missing seeing that smiling face everyday is just about killing me.

but that will not come until september 7th. that leaves a whole summer in front of us. and knowing us, it will be full of adventures.

i will miss you though, and the thought of you leaving scares me.

i love ya Ash, you really are the best best friend a girl, or anyone could ever ask for.

she has this hat that pretty much sums it all up.

'life is good.'

i love summer, it is the most wonderful thing in the world.

i am so happy. all smiles.

a little stressed about work, and mean people, and that whole stupid money situation, but i think this year i have the guts to put my foot down... maybe :-/

... but other than that, all smiles. and smiling is soo good.


night my loves. sweet dreams. :-D and happy summer!

be good. i tell her. and every time i say it to her, she just laughs, and tells me "always."

it is our on going joke, because god only knows she needs to be reminded to be good.

she tells me that her picture is in the dictionary right next to the word. and i make a bet with her, and tell her ill check it out, because one can never be too sure.

so yesterday she comes to my door and hands me a book.

latin english dictionary. and guess where her picture is?

besides being under perfect, and beautiful and superior, and friend, yes it is under good. which by the way, even though you say you aren't really any of those things, you are ;-)

you make me laugh darling, and i love you. i can't imagine what this year would have been like without you. thanks for putting up with me, and i am so glad we have become friends. you mean the world to me. :-)

oh, and by the way...

be good.

the moon is absolutely amazing tonight.

i wish you were here with me. but you're not, so i will smile to myself, and look at the beautiful moon, and imagine that you are, and that will have to be enough.

besides, there will plenty of amazing nights, and beautiful moons, and sunsets, and so much more to share with you... this is just the beginning.

and i like that. i like that a lot.

have a wonderful night

and go check out the moon if you can, you wont be disappointed. :-)

"and every sunset that we miss, i'll wrap them all up in a kiss..."

oh boy. there are so many things i could write down right now. but to write them down would take away from the specialness of each moment, and the faces one must make, and the way one must say these things in order to get the full affect...

you know?

but i will say this, i dont think i have been this happy in a long time. a long time.

and its not like i am normally a sad person, its just i have been extra happy lately. which is due mostly in part to my wonderful WONDERFUL WONDERFUL friends, whom i love more than anything in the world.

for example... i got an hour of sleep last night and then went to work, and worked a nine hour day, and damn, i smiled the whole day. granted it was a sleepy smile, but regardless, i was still happy.

and then i called shley on the phone, and i say one word, and we both start in on the same story, a recap moment all the way, because that is what we do. and we both start laughing. i laughed so hard i cried. i dont know about you, because you were on the other end of the phone. but i was crying.


that is how happy i am.

*sigh, smile, sigh.... bigger smile*

i love my friends. they kick ass.... i dont know what i would do without you.

really i dont.

actually, i know one thing, i wouldnt be smiling so much. and that is sad. i am so incredibly thankful i have you guys.

i stand there helpless on the outside looking in.

on the other side of the glass i see a girl giving all she's got to find the good in someone that cannot give her what she needs.

she smiles when they look, she smiles and giggles, and is happy. but really on the inside she is lonely. she is lonely and although she wont admit it i can see it through my little glass wall, from the outside looking in.

and i dont know how to tell her what to do. and i dont know what can be done to make it better.

because her faith is so strong, and sometimes you can't mess with something like faith.

but it is hurting her, and although she wont admit it and she thinks no one can see, i can see. i can see her pain.

the glass, although it prevents me from being able to help is perfectly clear.

and i want to smash it. i want to smash it, and go in and rescue the struggling girl, and say stop, stop what you are doing, look at the world, look around at all these people. they are just waiting for you. but people are not always patient. go catch them before they run away, before they are gone.

but right now, the glass wall through which i watch is too thick. too thick, and yet too fragile at the same time.

and i struggle trying to find a way through the glass, the glass that like her faith is too strong, and yet fragile, and i am afraid to lean on it for fear it might break.

give me some inspiration...

please.

"These are the days"

These are the days that I've been missing
Give me the taste give me the joy of summer wine
These are the days that bring new meaning
I feel the stillness of the sun and I feel fine

Sometimes when the nights are closing early
I remember you and I start to smile
Even though now you don't want to know me
I get on by, and I go the extra mile

These are the times of love and meaning
Ice of the heart has melted away and found the light
These are the days of endless dreaming
Troubles of life are floating away like a bird in flight

These are the days that I've been missing
Give me the taste give me the joy of summer wine
These are the days that bring new meaning
I feel the stillness of the sun and I feel fine

In the second grade I was friends with this girl named Emily, and she was very kind. I didn’t like mean people very much, and I still don’t.

Emily was a funny girl. She walked around on her tiptoes almost all the time, her eyes searching the ground as she walked, cautiously, nervously. Always keeping a strict vigil on the path in front of her. She was a dancer, and that is why I assumed she always walked around on her toes.

But one day she told me she walked in this manner because she didn’t want to step on the ants.

They are just bugs I told her. There are millions of them out there.

And then she told me about this dream she had once, where she was chased by huge ants, and in the end her and her family were crushed underneath the feet or the giant ants.

I was ultimately disturbed by this revelation, but it explained her curious walking habits.

I thought about this story, and my friend Emily today when I killed a little ant that was crawling across my kitchen counter. After I did it, I wondered to myself, does Emily still tiptoe around? Does she still avoid stepping on ants because of that dream… is she still a dancer?

Emily moved away a long time ago, and we lost touch. Second grade best friends don’t hold up so well when one of them moves to Oregon.

But if I knew Emily at all, she still walks around on tiptoes. She was always graceful enough to do that. And I bet you she still dances.

I on the other hand, continue to be a ruthless ant killer. And when it comes to dancing… well that is enough said.

Something’s never change.

The sunset reflected in the water painted the beach beautiful pinks and blues. as the night fell they danced on clouds, and chased waves together.

the waves slowly washed over footsteps that were soon forgotten in the receding tide, and the lingering smell of summer began to disappear as the temperature continued to drop.

but smiling, they all went in anyways, because who goes to the beach, and doesnt go swimming?

frozen but happy the return journey home reminded one of winter, as the heat blasted to thaw out frozen wet bodies.

but despite that, they would, and will do it all again in a heartbeat.

the ocean is incredibly intoxicating that way.

i found a safe place, i found a safe place and i dont want to lose it.

it is comfortable, and warm, and cozy, and inviting.

everything you would want in a safe place...

and the best thing is, it is my own little secret, no one knows about it.

no one. well, maybe one other person, but they still dont know that they know about it. that is why it is such a good secret.

and i adore it.

i will call it my squishy, and i will make it my own...


if only...

life continues to fly by me, and i see it all unfolding in moments and snapshots.

a look, a smile, a tear, a word.

this week thus far has been utterly unreal to me.

unreal.

i wish i had a word, just one word to sum up exactly how i felt, but for about the millionth time in my life words are failing me.

so instead i wish i had a black and white photograph for every moment that i want to remember the most, because black and white can often portray the feeling of the moment with much more elegance and beauty. not to mention i love the way they look.

and right now there are so many moments and feelings i want to remember.

but i stand here like a fool smiling, and watching all these moments pass me by, with a camera.

but guess who forgot the film?