'the ups and downs and crazy turns along the way will throw you off if you dont hold on tight.'

i wake up much to early in the morning and go to bed much too late, both of which are my own fault. when my alarm goes off i get too anxious in the morning, and where i used to be able to hit the snooze button i now jump out of bed thinking i am late. im not a fan. stressed? maybe just a little.

my goal: change these ridiculous sleeping habits. finish my college stuff. stop stressing.

stressing makes me feel old, and bitter. i dont know where the bitter comes from, but the only thing i can muster is bitter at myself for not just getting everything done. or maybe it is bitter because i havent been able to see things going on in my friends lives. i dont like being preoccupied, especially with myself. i hate being a bad friend.

im glad that you listen to almost every word i say, and more importantly the ones i dont (and you usually end up making me say). it means a whole lot to me. and is really important, in a big way.

here is to another day.

trouble adjusting to new situations?

....well maybe just a little bit.

but even more trouble sharing things, things that arent even yours?

....how old are we, two?

it happens, it happens, you might as well accept it hun.

isnt that funny. the very thing he calls you. hun.

that's life, so... get used to it hun.

if there is such a thing as second hand happiness i have a bad case of it. to see my friends happy makes my heart jump.

iloveitiloveitiloveit.

oh boy do i love to see you smile. almost as much as i love you in general.

happy birthday Ash. the big 19. almost really old. dont worry, that doesnt happen till 20. :) much love...

oh boy.... :D

the end.

bittersweet.

my color for you is yellow. not brown like your hair and eyes, or blue like your favorite color, or green like your car, or orange like your cat, or red like your cheeks on a cold afternoon, but yellow. yellow like sunshine.

you are like sunshine to me.

you warm me with your smile and laugh, and general love of life. and you are always bright and bubbly with energy that lifts me up even when i am down. so my color for you is yellow, because you my dear friend are my sunshine.

she smiled through the pain, all the time. she hardly ever cried, hardly ever complained, even though everyone told her she 100% had the right too.

she worked through the pain, and through the unfairness, and through it all. she was scared, hell, she was terrified, and to top it all off, she was alone, no mommy there for her all the time.

but mostly she was terrified of the possibility of never playing again.

she got frustrated, and sad, and angry, and bitter. and there was little we could do. so all the while we hoped. we prayed. and tried the best we could to be there.

and today, today all her hard work paid off. and i have never been soo happy for her before in my life.

so here is to you my dear. my mini-me kicks some serious ass. and i will always look up to her. seriously. <3

(i would also like to insert a big, i told you so here, but that almost ruins the moment, so i will keep it small. :D)

...
tell me this isn't forever,
and i know that it's true.
but forever would be nice in a place like that,
with people like you.
...

it feels weird staying in her "other" home. it doesnt quite feel right. it is bigger than i imagined it would be, possibly because of the tension created by the girl on the top bunk, possibly because even though there are four people in the tiny room and it doesnt quite feel comfortable, but either way it doesnt feel like home.

i have a hard time sleeping, with the cold wall to my back. no it is not boring i tell her. i am not lying, it isnt boring, it isnt horrible, it isnt stupid. it is different.

i dont like different all the time. i dont like change, and this is change. the room smells like vanilla, it is a warm home like smell, but still not right.

the boy with the open mouth grin falls asleep on her bed, and we leave him there. he stays the night, and i am glad. i was afraid he would fall asleep on the ride home. he worries me sometimes. he worries me all the time, his future, overseas worries me.

but here tonight, it is ok, almost, because he is asleep on the other bed, snoring quietly, and not driving off the road. it feels more comfortable with everyone sleeping. i dont have to listen to the girl on the top bunk make inappropriate comments for the moment, and i dont have to pretend to like her when really i dont.

but when everyone is asleep it almost feels alright. we are all safe, and everyone seems content. i love to listen to them sleep, it almost feels like home. home is where the heart is they say, and i love my friends, with all my heart.

i dont sleep, because i still dont feel quite right... give it time.

bahamas anyone?

oh boy....

here we go crashing down this path we call life, blazing trails, and making ways together. we can find a path wide enough for 2 and keep it that way.

he takes me to fields where we can look at the stars together. shooting stars streak across the sky, across our path, and i tell you to make a wish. i wonder what you wish for, and almost forget to make my own. but you remind me, as you always do, and i make one just in time. steamy waters, and sophisticated conversation fill the rest of the evening, and eventually when we lose our way with words, we sleep together. and no, not like that, thank you. but actual sleep. reasons justify all actions, no matter how silly, and i am glad you are understanding. if we couldnt talk then everything would fall apart, but we never seem to be at a loss for words.

you drive me home early in the morning, there is a cheshire cat moon smiling down at us, and the stars are still there as bright as ever.

i have trouble falling asleep in my own bed alone, and i dont understand at first. but then i realize, i am freezing cold... you never let me get cold.

take me in your arms,
and tell me it's alright to dream.

she stands on the threshold, looking back, inside what seems like a time vortex, at days past.

she is already halfway out the door.

there is no turning back. she knows this.

but she is not quite ready to let go, not quite ready to say goodbye, despite the way she has acted about the whole situation, saying she just wanted out, just wanted it to be over, just wanted...

but what did she really want? i dont think she even knew. she was always good at that indecision thing. still is. one of her specialties. but with this, a matter soo dear to her heart, it was tougher. the toughest. so she left the decision up to chance, fate you could call it.

but now that fate has kicked in she stands in the doorway, her exit gate, eyes looking back at a place she can no longer be a part of, a place she used to call her own, a place she used to feel safe, and loved, and true. one of the only places she ever felt whole as a person. and looking back on it, it is no longer hers.

a part of her will always remain in that past, in that past, part of her will move to Indiana with that little girl that she wont get to see finish growing up. and the rest of her will move on. she already has her foot halfway in another doorway. she has another home waiting, another place to call her own. and it is beautiful, sooooo beautiful. but it isnt hers. not yet.

full of loving people, people dear to her heart. but still not home.

and will it ever be? she doesnt know. but for now, she must offer no more harsh words, we have already reached an ending. let go.... keep walking out the door.

as birdee from the movie hope floats said. "Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."

it's whats in the middle that counts.... and all there is left to do is hope.

but first, right now, it is time to walk out that door.

she is far away from home, sitting in a place she has yet to call her own. with four white cinder block walls, and 2 other girls. she is most likely at her computer this very moment. possibly even reading these words. stalling... "researching"

she gets nervous a lot of the time, and stresses about this and that all the time. she goes to the gym everyday to work out, and that helps, but she is still stressed. when she calls, i hear her tension, and pain. her jaw is clenched tight, she always clenches her jaw when she is stressed.

she is stressed a lot lately.

why is it so hard? what is there for you to prove? my dear, you already made it into college, you are out there on your own... you manage your time very well, and always do all of your work. you always get everything done. you mom is soo incredibly proud of you, as is your father, and me..... goes without saying.

ashy is a big girl now. bigger than i am. braver than i am. and perfectly capable of doing it all on her own.

so wipe those tears off of your face darlin, sit down, take a deep breath, and tell yourself, i can do this. because i know you can. just believe.

and call me if you need. im here.

smiles and happy things.

innocence and purity fall to the earth around me, around them as they wander. they fall whispering sweet nothings in my ear as i reach after them, trying so desperately to grab hold, not only for my sake, but for theirs, for my little fallen angels.

but innocence and purity are always just a little farther, another step ahead, always out of reach. my fingers close on empty air, and hope for the moment is lost.

i watch them as they fall, like white petals, slipping softly to the earth, mocking me with their descent. so easy it once was, to be innocent, to be pure, untainted. i try so hard to preserve it for them, my angels, my two blond haired, blue eyed boys, but they wander too far, they choose their own paths.

paths that i cannot follow or understand. and they are lost to me with time, with age, with experience....

and all i can do is watch now. i see the white petals fall, sinking in their path, falling oh-so-gracefully to the ground and leaving reality and truth in their wake...

a reality and a truth i had hoped they would never see.

my little blue eyed angel boys, i am here for you always. and that my friends is one of the lesser evils of now, of this new truth you will come to see.